i will not be writing here anymore. :) figure out i wanna start something new. if you are still interested to read more of my writing, do drop by here http://theheartsprint.wordpress.com

loves. 

*warning: it’s a long post with many pictures! you’ve been warned beforehand (;*

2012. a continuation from 2011 is something i’ve been looking forward to. i was hopeful; carrying along a bundle of wishes and changes that i wished to make for this coming year.

i wouldn’t say 2011 was a great year, neither i would conclude it as a bad one either. as always, there were a mixture of laughter and tears. just that this time round, there weren’t a harmony and balance for there were far too many times when my heart was shattered to pieces time over time.

it was a year of doubts and mistrust as well. the friendship that i spend 2 whole years nurturing are withering away right before me. the moment when she turn a cold shoulder and subjected me to silence treatment is the time when everything fall apart. confrontation was made; little would i know reasons given was far too heart wrenching that i expected it too. i hold on the thoughts that i would pull it through but deep down, i’m well aware i was just pulling a big fat lies to convince myself to hold on to this fragile friendship.

there were traces of cracks in this friendship. had it not because they were someone whom i considered close and precious, i wouldn’t had choose to hold on to it. waiting and holding on there, it was tiring as well as heart breaking. but at least, i would hold on for now till there weren’t a single reason left for me to do so. kinda foolish i am, huh?

yes, overall, i dealt with a lot of stress, disappointments and heart breaking incidents that literally leave me facing life like a living corpse. i was depressed to the point that i was on the verge of committing suicide. come to think of it, had it not because something pull me back to my senses, i would have done what i thought out of sheer desperation.

and i thank god i’m still very much alive and still breathing. at least, i learned and grew up a lot for the past year. i really do.

i learn it was okay for me to do things at my own pace, a baby step at a time.

i realised i’m not obligated to please people and be who they want me to be. i am who i am and there is no point if people can’t accept who i am simply because i’m not who they expected to be.

friends are someone who accepted you for who you are; be it strength and weaknesses. that is to say, friends is someone who would make sure you did not go astray and try their best to stop you from falling into a pitch dark dungeon. that’s to say, they watch your back too. i tried to be a good friend but up to this point, i didn’t know who are my good friend. that’s one point i gotta figure it out slowly,from the beginning again. :)

i learn that people who subject you to alienation out of jealousy are not worth to be called friends. they are just some strangers that came to your life, teaching you real life lessons. that’s all.

stop compromising with people. over the years, it had become a habit of mine simply because i wanted to avoid conflict so much. but then i realised, things don’t work that way. i should start standing up and fight for myself.

stop doubting. yes, i'm literally tired with all this doubting game. from now on, i’ll stop doubting. if i feel it was not worth the pain to wait and hold on, i’ll let go. be it friends or stuff. i’ll move on with my life. i’m not ready to throw my future away for some past.

stop getting intimidated. no one is perfect. instead of getting so intimated, i’ll make it as a motivation for me to be better in every aspects.  

i learn that i should love myself more before i love other people. means, i should stop sabotaging my body whenever i’m down or be so hard on myself. and start taking care of my health and groom myself more.

i deserve better things. i deserve better friends. i was much better than i think i am. so there’s no a single need for me to lower my expectation or myself just to please people. i’m just the way i am. =)

i got more things to summarize but then,guess i’ll go with it for the time being. =) oh, here’s some happy things. as i said i was all hopeful, so this is what i did when it’s new year.

literally change my hair colour! got tired of thinking so much that i just go with what’s in my mind! that’s me you are seeing in 2012 =)

 

How time flies! it seems like yesterday when we were still wearing that light blue pinafore, running around the school. and now, we’re all young ladies pursuing our dreams.well, all ladies except one.haha!

 

Did i ever mentioned i landed a solo part for the last jazz band concert? played solo for the song ‘unforgettable’ which definitely live up to it’s title. it was rewarding when you get praise by some unexpected player- faizal the electric guitar player saying i did a good job and i got the tone. even ayano said i did improved a lot compared to the rest. it was indeed rewarding!

 

ah well, i guess i better stop here. this was indeed a super long post! coming up next would be more of my new year crap as well as my new year to do list. guess it’s time for me to compile what i wanna do before i go off track again.

rest well,lovelies =)

 

of kisses and hugs.

new look! as promised still working on little details though but at least, i did show some progress (talk about procrastination!) more posts coming soon! piccas, texts, random rumbles, etc etc etc. for now,gotta pull off some reading and anime (nodame cantabile,yesh!) as a reward after a full long day!

have a nice days!

Loves!

Happy new year,lovelies!

yea,i know i had been abandoning this bloggie of mine. been pretty much busy working and settle remaining assignments throughout december. christmas? literally sleep and eat my way through holiday like a pig, yes, a pig.

well, maybe it aint much about sleeping and eating. i did hang out with my lovelies back at hometown and harrassing my couzie for piccas of my niece and nephews. and the only time i truly feel productive is when i finally started to clean my messy room and cupboard. it was oh-what-a-horror-how-on-earth-i-got-this-much-junks?still clearing and messing and clearing and hopefully i can get it done by tomorrow considering i’ll be back to penang on tuesday.

it’s the first day of a brand new year! promise for more updates and super long post (be prepare!) with text and pictures,summarising my 2011 (kissed goodbyes!)

off to more clearing,again! (T.T) have a wonderful and blissful new year!

 

p/s-promise u’ll see changes the next time you drop by <3

 

Love.

you got my heart racing like a wind. you leave me the longing of seeing you face to face. you make my day with a simple message. you had me going through my day thinking of you. and leave my heart shattered in pieces when you told me you like some other girl? or had me thinking how to put a smile on your face when you were feeling down? perhaps leave me looking forward for some tea time session?

i wonder did you know the one i take the liking on was you? that i didn’t want to be just your friend but more than that?

have i ever cross your mind even once? and do you know i’m missing you even now?

how to tell you i like you without the fear of getting rejected?

i wonder what kills a relationship,friendship especially? distance? interest? point of view? or maybe the understanding that fades with time without anyone of us knowing it?

it’s funny. funny how good friends become strangers. how keeping what we feel towards each other to ourselves. how we would feel neglected by when we found out we were left out in an outing or lunch. how the closeness now replace with coldness.

so tell me, what kills a friendship? had the 2 years friendship built with a lot of effort,patience and love was so fragile that it could break any moment if it weren’t handle with care? what does friendship means if you have to be guarded all the time? why is it that we had become so greedy to the extend that we get dissapointed if our expectation was not met? and why is it that the differences between each of us that we once can accept it, not we see it as something against the self belief we hold onto?

i didn’t know if i can take this any longer. this is just dissapointing, heart wrenching. it’s even more heart breaking when you realise you cant save the friendship despite trying the hardest you can get. when you see them drifting apart away from you even though you tried all your best to cling on them.

i wish i could turn back the time,so that i can just have things back to how they were used to be. the smiley innocent faces,the chattering and laughter during dinner and lunch everyday. and the pillow talk and girls talk that we used to have last time.

those photos that once craved a smile on my face now just left me feeling disheartening. everthing remained the same in the photo, but the people, they changed and that including me.

but,i wonder did they know despite how i changed, my feelings remained the same. i treasure this relationship, each of them just. little did they know about it,i ponder?

did you know i have died everyday waiting for you and willing to love you more than a thousand years?

someday, i wish i could play this song to people i love. chrsitina perri’s a thousand years. i’ve love them for a few years if not a thousand years but i would love to love them forever. i wish i could tell this to that one person but at least, not for now. a crush is not a love and unless i’m pretty sure it’s love towards him, i shall keep mum about it. that is if he feel the same way towards me too which i doubt because he seems to have a girl he like. so yea,pathetic and ironic huh?

i love this song, it gave me a shimmer light of hope. deep inside my heart, i wish i would be singing this song forever. this song but not katy perry’s the one that got away.

please don’t be the one that got away from me.

and oh, i finally found my way back here after abandoning my bloggie for more than a months.

come to think of it, i was drown in the sea of forever unfinished work ever since semester started. not to mention, berita kampus and convocation took up a lot of my time. to the extend that i hardly had any time left for part time job.

so, how should i said about my life ever since semester started? to be frank, i didn’t know how to put it except saying “Oh, well. that’s life for you.” i had my ups and downs; sometimes, i feel so good about myself. other times i feel so crappy, annoying and crappy. good things happened, so do ironic things. this semester is all about realisation.

jazz band. still the same old jazz band; same old people and same old drama. i’ve gotten a lot of silence treatment  (ah well,does it even make a difference since i’ve gotten that for ages?) which ironically comes from my batch-people who are once close to me and in the same flute section with me. and yes, i said i don’t care and i looked like i don’t give a damn about it. but deep down, it still hurts. it still do…….but i guess it doesn’t really matter coz no one gives a damn about it as much as i do. ironic yes it is.

but as ironic as it is, it teach me a lot of thing. i learn to stop wishing, hoping and expecting. i learn (real hard but still fail) to be selfish. i learn how to keep silence and observe people from a far…..bu that means,i’m learning to put up a lot of fake self as well…..good thing,no. coz i’m slowly losing my real self and god knows what i would do when that happened? and as much as i said i learn, i can never bring myself to apply those in my life as hard as i try. failure,yes!

it’s 30 oct, which means my birthday was 3 days before. i seems to get used to the idea that my birthday falls on a pretty crappy day. it’s either fucked up things happened or everyone was bombard with a lot of works or things to do. i don’t know but i guess, i’m turning into a green eye monster when it comes to that.

and i find it funny how i actually bring myself to say that when we was in a card game!  got a card- make a rule and i make it a rule that everyone gotta wished me happy birthday! now that i think of it, i had no idea why on earth i said that? perhaps, i was hoping real hard that i got a birthday wishes from them so much that it had taken over my mind…..massive failure again. *smack head*

but still, im grateful for the simple celebration i had for my birthday from people who are close to me……..i got 2 cakes!-one from coursemates and another from juniors in jazz band. =)

i’m still the unhappy person in the end….a brutal realisation. and you might have notice my writing style had change- it was much more crankier.

shall cut off all the crap……more pics and details bout life and recent langkawi trip coming soon.

excuse my crappy-ness. i must have been too tired. =/

just why is it so hard to get the heart and the mouth to speak the same language?

is it because i’m so used to keeping what i wanted to say all this while?

a surprise phone call

a conversation that lasted for almost an hour

a call with the longest silence that fill in the gap

a conversation that was filled with regrets and questions.

i would love to accept your confession. i would love to give you a nod. and i’m glad that there’s someone that actually love me this much.

but i’m sorry i can’t. this heart does not belong to you. neither yours ever belong to me. i wished i could tell you, you once almost captivated this heart, but you let it slipped away. not everything in life offer you a second chance, not everything had a turning point.

you said you can’t afford to lose me. you kept on asking yourself why you fall in love with me in the first place. you felt like a fool most of the time because according to you, i kept on running away from the attention you gave me. you felt so alone as you have no one to turn to and simply because you felt no one understand you. and above all, you just couldn’t accept the fact that i rejected you and you can’t bear with the thought of losing me.

how could you lose me, when you never got me in the first place? why you kept on asking me why you fall in love with me in the first place, when i myself have no idea why? why do you, till now, couldn’t understand that i push you away simply because, i was afraid of the attention you gave me as i know we are not getting anywhere? how could you not to be alone, when you confined yourself in your own world and refused to let people that care for you in your life? why you couldn’t accept the fact that i rejected you when you are the one that loses the patience and let opportunities slipped away over and over again? and why you thought you would lose me when i’m glad to be just your friends, but nothing more than that?

above all, you make me doubt. doubts about you being genuine, sincere,patience and the desperation of getting a girlfriend.

a phone call

of past regrets, doubts, hatred, and unanswered questions

in the middle of the night

filled with tears and awkwardness

ever feel that your heart was pounding so fast that you have no idea what’s going on? or trying to do something to catch attention or maybe for the sake of sparking a conversation? maybe always pretending to look around, but wishing hard deep down that one person will happened to look at you and smile? perhaps the urging to see that person more often and the smile that carved on your lips without you knowing it when the eyes meet that person?

and i wonder what is it, that overwhelmed me ever since i first saw him playing the violin?

the end of music camp spells the beginning of the semester. strange enough, as much as i dread the beginning of the semester for the past 2 years, this time round, i was looking forward for it. probably because of the 4 long months of holidays [though i stay home for a month plus for 2 different periods of time, i was rotting from boredom]

as if it was not strange enough, the recent music camp did a lot of wonders too. yea, i had bad and good times- there are times where i played well, other time where i screwed up for god sake. but life goes on; when a window close,another open. opportunities are there for me; i was given a solo for a song as well as to improvise on 2 songs. yea, it was indeed a coincidence but what is opportunities if it never comes and goes as it please?

while i was all so lonely for last year’s music camp, this time round, i get to be a lil bit closer with a few juniors. it was comfortable being around them; there were less drama, no backstabbing and no political issues. all we did was we crapped, laughed and do nonsense together. it was pleasant to be around them; unlike those of my batch, their drama,jealousy and fake self alone are more than enough to exhaust you both mentally and physically.

i asked a person a question, “are we still friends?” yea, i said i would ignore him, but for the past few years, i had lose enough friends.  some who forsake me for the sake of popularity, jealousy, pride and most of reasons that i’m not aware off. as much as i wanted to keep this friendship alive, i realised it was impossible. to keep a one way relation alive when it was supposed to be a two way, just how long can you hang on there?

first week of semester itself, i just couldn’t find any words to describe it. i can totally feel the upcoming crazy workload as well as sleepless nights to come. i can feel the struggle that i’ll have to face,like it or not. despite all that, for some reasons, i have a good feeling about it. perhaps, all this time, i’ve finally grow up and be matured for real.

it’s my final year and i had a long to do list before i call myself a graduate from this university. it might be a tough year but definitely, it’ll be decorated with many blissful wonderful memories.

everything right now, is just so good and i’m feeling blessed like a lil kid again

Send In The Clown…….For I Am The Clown

 

The version i like best among all

as one listen to this melody, some thought of it as a nostalgic love song. some said it was a song of happiness while other said it was just an ordinary sad song about love.

maybe it was the way it was played. but come to think of it, regardless of how it was played, if one listen to it attentively to all the elements, the song sounds as nostalgic and as sad as it can be. it was as if, you are overwhelmed with sadness and regret, a feeling you yourself have no idea where it come from, neither you know why you are feeling in such a way.

send in the clown.as simple as the title sounds, how many of us know that it’s actually referring to fool? even the composer himself said it meant ‘send in the fool’ in other word. in a way, it was ironic. ironic, in a sense that this song actually portray the foolishness that we bring upon ourselves most of the time.

this song sang about the foolish decisions made by two lovers. that was the actual interpretation. but,i do believe that it was not solely restricted to just lovers. it apply to a lot of thing; decisions we made every single day, people we encountered- be it strangers or people we knew, opportunities that slipped away or the true facets of humans, that’s it. the facets that each one of us strive so hard to either hide or shine.

or maybe, the heartache of knowing and realising the fact that people once close to you are drifting farther away from you without you realising it. the closeness that fades away with time and distances. the conversation that last no longer than 5 minutes. or maybe the loneliness despite being in the crowds of people.

oldies is always goodies. i once never understand what it meant. but now, i do. it was perhaps the darkness of this song, perhaps explain why i love it. for now,i just hope i’m still be able to play the solo part for this song, with flute that’s it.

the clowns had been sent in, the show is still going on, the thoughts of the ending is still lingering around,the audiences are laughing but the clowns are crying.

give me the courage to scrap through all of it again. i’m not sure how i’m gonna hang on there; neither do i have the idea of what to do. but at least for now, i just didn’t want to stop believing at the things.

please, tell me that all the things now happened for a reason and tell me what is that very reason for all this pain. i forgot how to chill, how to relax, how to find and regain my genuine smile.

restless and confused. no, i’m not okay,not at all.

the clear blue sky with cottony white clouds. it wasn’t exactly sunny like one of those sunny days, but it’s not dark like those rainy days either. with a gust of playful wind that brings along the cold breeze, it was indeed a perfect weather for a lazy day.

except that i wasn’t given the privilege to be lazy today.

but,who would expect there lies a cloudy windy stormy morning with thunder roaring at the sky? it would be one of the scary morning where you are reluctant to step out from your home. it was one of those days where you all you want is to hide under your blanket and do nothing.

come to think of it, in a way, this does reflect how we life our everyday life.those perfect lazy day and dark stormy night could actually represent the ups and downs in our life. the good and bad times, the happy and sad times. life, at times, has so much surprises hidden underneath it’s sleeves that way beyond our expectation.

awkwardness.

i wonder if there’s any other words that could best replace this word. as hard as i tried to act normal, i could still sense the awkwardness in the air. and to be frank, i seriously didn’t like this feeling at all. this afternoon had been a frustrating one; how you could not be frustrated when all your hard work just go down the drain?

despite that, i’m glad with all the changes that happened. i started to slowly get along with a few of the juniors and i smiled, talked and laugh a lot right now. i do get depress once in a while; especially during practise when we were bombard with sarcasm but other than that, i’m coping well with my new life.

as for this awkwardness, i shall just ignore it and treat it as nothing had happened. i’m so not into any kind of unwanted attention again so yea, i’m gonna be firm this time. for the being, getting the music right would be my main priorities.

for some reasons, always, i’m in a love hate relationship with music. it may be rewarding at times, but it may be frustrating as well. i shall pray hard my tutor is not trying to get me into hot soup again this time.

life goes on and it gonna make me strong in the process. i’m enjoying and loving my life now :)

i just ain’t gonna give the bastards and bitches the satisfaction. so what? that’s how i deal with such “good” friends and right now, i’m proud of the way i handle it.

so what?

i choose to hang on there. i choose to scrap through everything. and i know how hard this journey would be.

what’s done been done. i can’t ease my longing to this place. so for now, i guess the only thing i can do was hang on there till i found the answers to all the questions i had in my mind.

in the midst of loneliness, i’m missing the people who were once close to me. a longing but not hoping. for these people are not worth fighting for.

but, i do find some bliss in this loneliness. it enable me to see a lot of things, clearly.

it’s only the first day. more days to come after that.

familiar surrounding,

the blue carpet,

musical instrument and stands,

the chilly air conditioning,

meeting familiar people,

i’m back to penang again, earlier, for the sake of the place that held so much memories. memories that makes me feel nostalgic and pondering. does respect and trust that was build was so fragile that it come crumbling down in spite seconds?

the perhaps good old memories that never dies. i dislike the people but i’m drawn to that place. i wondered why. as i long for those good old times, i’ve known well those will always remain as a longing. a dream that will never repeat again once awaken.

this would be my last year here. i wonder what it holds but despite what will happen, i’ll walk through it. i’ll scrap through it; with a smile, bravery, wisdom and of all, an open heart.

the wound is bleeding again. but that’s okay. because i’m now a better and braver person. :) for now, i just want to see everything with my eyes and feel it with my heart. nothing more and less. oh perhaps, with a smile.

the longing is still there. but for now, i’m walking down my own path again.

oh yes, a long hiatus. even though it’s holiday. holiday, that’s it.

i’m feeling much better right now. i’m feeling happy, relaxed and looking forward to my every-boring-day. and most of all, i’m feeling good about myself; i haven’t been having this kind of feeling for the longest time.

gone are the days where i lived my life consumed with guilt with regret. seriously, i have no slight idea what the hell ever happened to me. neither i have any clue of what may be the cause (okay, this is the lie. i do have an idea on what’s going on but for now, let me go into the state of denial about it shall we?)

anyhow, i’m feeling so so so good and so great! though i’m wasting my time doing crap everyday, i’m actually still living my life to the fullest. oh yea, great news? i learn how not to take things to seriously. for most of the things.

for now, everything is great. counting down for 3 more days before i gotta get my ass back to penang for the upcoming concert and convocation practises. yes, lotsa hell might me waiting for me there but i guess i’ll just do whatever i can to make sure i’m not drag into those shit.

life has never been this great. and writing has never been feeling this good – for the longest time!

oh yes, i’m happy and i can’t help but to repeating it over and over again. =D

 

Cheers for the chilly windy day!

i long for the genuine smile i once had

the smile that was of pure and sincere happiness