will you walk away,

now that i told you the truth.

will you walk away,

simply because the truth spoken hurts?

truth was told,

because you ask for it,

because you are someone i cheerish,

someone that i didn’t want to lie to.

will you walk away,

now that you know the truth?

 

image credit to : http://zannee.blogspot.com/

mentally exhausted, writer’s block, totally unmotivated, in dire need of inspiration and above all,homesick.

perhaps, i’ve reach a point in my life (for now) where i totally feel unmotivated and doesn’t feel like doing anything (which i know it’s a bad thing but i can’t help it!)

or perhaps, i played to hard for the last few days; went for a glimpse of night life for like twice in a week? and going again this friday right after communication night? maybe that’s the reason?

i don’t have a slight idea why am i feeling this way. it almost feel like the things i’m doing right now is pretty useless. too much obligations to begin with and it’s suffocating; writing too me,shouldn’t be something that was bound and obliged by so many unseen things!

too much pressure to perform well coming in; yea, perhaps i was expecting myself to have a good performance in everything i do.what to prove, i don’t know. maybe coz of my kiasi and kiasi syndromme (wtf!) it’s killing me and im dragging my group members as well.someone give me a wake up slap please?

ended up with ‘lazy song’ by bruno mars crossing my mind every now and then, with sleepiness and tiredness haunting me almost every second every minutes every hour and everyday. =/ with sinful eating habits, and again, i lost control of myself. yea, hormones imbalance and period coming soon. =__________=

exam timetable sent me a heart attack, 2 core papers and 1 major papers in 3 continuous day. tell me how to survive it?

 

it’s monday, yet i’m praying hard for friday.

A date with Ciara today at Queensbay Mall. and without anyone of us realising it,we actually spend the whole day there. =.=”

went to watch ‘Black Swan’ and i would say it’s a good one.but,an advise,never ever watch that movie alone and in night time.trust me,watching “Black Swan” is like watching a horror movie,well minus the fact that you have no ghost element in it.but just human alone is more than enough to make you cover your eyes halfway through the scene and freak you out with the effect lasting throughout the days.jeez.but it’s a movie worth watching. =)

and we get ourselves some stuff from forever 21. =) accessories and scarf.i bought quite a lot of scarf but i rarely wear them and i have no idea why i’m so into scarf.sigh.oh, and a pair of earing for me and another 2 pair for yan qi and yuen shin as their birthday prezzie =D i even bought birthday cards and i have no idea how on earth i actually did that.perhaps i go haywire again but somehow,this year,i feel like giving them one. =D

here i am,sitting at my study table,copying down all the posts that i posted at a notebook.i just realised that i have actually own 3 blogs-2 from the past and have more than 120 posts. how long it took me to copy it all,i have no idea but well,i guess i still like the touch of paper after all.

or maybe,i just wanted to make sure all my thoughts will not disappeared,ah well,we won’t know what happened in the future right?and they said information on papers like books last more than in digital form.and who knows there’s people actually reading my diaries in the next few hundred years to come. =)

Life doesn’t provide you a point of turning back for certain thing in life.

and it’s okay if you needed time to let go of things

for instead of dwelling in the past

just get over it and move on with your life.

ok. as i mention b4 . U r the last 1 im gona fall in luv. Means im nt goin to find anyone else ady. Thanx for understanding

a simple email composed on the wee hour.a simple email that tells more than it shows.a simple email that reveal who you really are.

Goodbye. Its best for me to forget about you. Its hurt. But in time, I’ll heal. Sry.

a simple text message received in the afternoon. a simple text message that tells me whole lot more about you.

perhaps,i made a mistake at the beginning.i should have said no from the beginning.i shouldn’t have let my heart waver.i once take in consideration,it cross my mind to give it a try.

i give you hints,i drop you a little light of hope here and there.i want you to know more about me, listen carefully to what i have to say, what’s in my mind. but you were too busy going forward. you were too busy to realise that i was actually telling you countless of time to be patient,trying hard to drop you hint on who i was.

but again, you are too busy.as if you wanted to get into a relationship out of sheer desperation. you fail to listen and you fail to understand.you cant even show me that you hold onto your words.neither did you show me that you are a person that was willing to forgive and forget. you fail to show me the true meaning of love.

now i know why all along i was afraid.i was in doubt and was left with no  confidence. for a moment,i almost said yes.but seriously, i’m glad i didn’t.

because, you just proven to me that i have made the right decision all along. as predicted though i really hope you could have just let me know how wrong i was for making that decision.

I’m pretty happy and satisfied with my life now.

Yes, sometimes, i was drown in the sea of assignments which spare me no extra time to eat or sleep.

Or, a little feeling of loneliness here and there at times,

Maybe, having tonnes of funs and laughter with loved ones,

Perhaps, a hair breath away in staying sane or go nuts.

but i guess,all these taught me how to be strong,responsible and sensible. i don’t buy words anymore;rather i take in action.which explain why i don’t believe words like “i’ll wait for you forever.”Life is just too mysterious for you to predict what happen next.

i don’t accept a relationship out of sheer desperation.i don’t fool around with feeling because i know how much it hurt and break someone’s heart.

i seek commitment,i seek understanding.life is no fairy tales,prince charming in folk tales never exist.all i need is just a simple man,who can make me feel comfortable,safe and loyal.

i’m sorry for not knowing what i want.but i know i make the right decision in rejecting it. no apologies is needed,just forgiveness and openess.

we may not ended up as what you want,but that doesn’t mean we can’t ended up as friends.but still,as i said,it’s all up to you.to prove whether you are a man worth it or not.

Hey there,

Thanks for your resume.

Will you be able to come in for an interview sometime this coming week?

 

I remembered how I jumped with excitement upon receiving email from Seventeen’s lifestyle and entertainment editor. I was like a child; i can’t stop smiling and my eyes are beaming with hopes.

That’s how i spend 3 days at KL, with family and childhood darling. =)

I remembered how nervous i was the moment i step into BluInc company. I remembered how hard I pray that everything will turn out great during interview. and I remembered how I felt slight of disappointment after interview; feeling like things doesn’t really go smoothly in there.

But, at least, I can be sure i do give my best out there.

Funny how human really change as they grew. It never crossed my mind that I would be applying for internship at Seventeen magazine back then when i was in secondary school. of course, neither the thought of studying communication as well.

To actually felt homesick at the airport at the night when i was suppose to flew back to Penang from KL, that’s another unexpected occurrence.

And, it do surprise me that no matter how many friends we have out there; our university or working life, at the end of the day, we still stick back to the very few that we are close and comfortable with. Ironically, childhood friends can never be replace in that aspect.

Putting that aside, it’s funny how we no longer chat like the way we were back then when we are young. instead, we talk about boys, future, career, love, beauty and fashion. we chat about falling in love, being court or crush. and we can pillow talk about that for all night long. or maybe, browsing through each other’s wardrobe, admiring and experimenting on new styles. perhaps, make ups comes along as well. and this are the things that would i would rather be dead than doing it when i’m young.

And we can never stop asking this question:- where is love, patience, understanding, kindness, warmth and sincerity?

Looking back, it used to be jeans,tees,sport shoes and backpack when we went to shopping mall.and i would spend my whole day in the bookstore, doing nothing else but to drown myself in the world of books. A glimpse to the ‘now’, it would be dresses,complete with accessories, shoes or heels at times and ladies bag with a touch up of make up. we browse around the mall for clothes and accessories, bags, heels, clothes and more. if it was Padini we would go for 8 years ago, now, it would be FOREVER 21, MNG, Brands Outlet, Vincci and more.

Funny how those changes can take place without any of us realising it. As if all those happen to us unconsciously. It may be a simple thing but it took more to realise it.

And,that’s what I learnt throughout my trip to KL =).

I’m still waiting for reply from Seventeen though– cross fingers and pray hard that i would get it. pray that i’ll survive this coming week as well. 3 assignments due in 3 continuous days simply means no rest and sleep for me this week end. =(

Ah well, anyhow, I hope you guys have an awesome week!!! have tonnes of fun on my behalf as well.

Write soon! =)

 

of kisses and hugs.

"if only……….=)”

2 words, that enable a whole new possibilities being insert in,

thoughts that are not told verbally but rather, through very indirect meaning.

ironically, it was on valentine’s day when i finally had a clearer mind from my own,free from all those cloudy uncertainties.perhaps,what they said is true.i was never truthful to myself.fear,without me realising or knowing it,over-power my true feeling.i have all along,wanting to give it a try but was too afraid to do so.

“if only…….”

perhaps,it won’t be that difficult if one know what meaning it holds. no deadlines,but it won’t be easy. no obligations but there’s no gurantee that one will seek the right answer. still,as hints are drop here and there,scattered pieces,once put together will reveal the answer one seeking for: REWARDS

but that is if the answers were found,for the answer itself represent the reward one will get.some thoughts,care and love,answer were all along there,but no one knows. =)

 

“

 

     if only ………

     if only……..

and so, it’s been a week after chinese new year break.festive season spend with loved ones,it meant the whole world to me. =)

couzzies,newphews,aunts,uncles and bros were home for chinese new year.u bet,i was having lots of fun at home;not to mention the amount of food i ate (‘hungry’ was never in my vocabulary throughout my 1 week break) and it is indeed depressing considering how much weight i gain.but i guess,that’s what festive season is all about.=D

and here’s some pics of the cutest cupcakes i ever saw!! it’s cute but not that yummy though.but still,the look alone is enough to melt your heart.

      

                     

                                                     

pretty cute right? =D makes me feel so guilty for eating it.XD

 

new year carries new hope for a better year. or so most people hope for.i wouldn’t say i want my year to be a peaceful one- a little of excitement would add colours and spices,making it even better.still,still………….

getting sick on the third day when semestar resume doesn’t sound cool at all.i wouldn’t say sick,after all,it’s a girl’s stuff,or girls’ ‘best friend’ for every month.

sitting at the foyer,looking like crap with cold sweat wetting your shirt;not to mention the passer-by that was pondering what’s wrong with you doesn’t sounds cool at all…….

yea,i was sitting at the foyer after excusing myself from tutorial class but ended up stuck at there as i was incapable of going back on my own. curl like a ball,with my hand pressing hard to my stomach as the pain was accompany by gastric (to my horror),head spinning 360 degree every second and i was bath in my cold sweat- wishing hard i could just lie down on bed and feel like dying badly. i can’t even walk straight and my body feel like jelly all over.if it wasn’t for my coursemates that send me back to my room,i can’t imagine what i would do.yea,terror.

good thing is the shooting i was supposed to involve in for senior final year project is cancel.or else,god bless me then.

and weekend just never fail to leave me with gastric (ok,blame me for being just too lazy to get food outside…….simply cause im sick with outside food.miss homemade food pretty badly.=( )i seriously have the need to adjust my meal intake,i need nutritious meal.

enough of my ranting here. oh yea,valentine is tomorrow.so for those who are celebrating valentine with loved ones, Happy Valentine’s Day and have a memorable one. for those who prefer tequila (means single) or still do,Happy Valentine’s Day to you guys as well.Valentine’s can always be celebrated with closest girlfriends or boyfriends. =)

Have a Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!!! =3

 Boy : all i just want to say is ..i'll wait for u for the rest of my life no matter what happen...i'll just wait for u..i promise...

Girl : we'll see. =) since we'll never know what will happen in the future.

Boy : all i can say is my heart won't change !! i'll wait 4 u 4ever !! i will n yes i will ..

if i were that girl,i’ll just smile and said nothing esle. there’s no gurantee that things will goes as said;reality is a much rocky and bumpy road and there’s no knowing of what will happen tomorrow. life ain’t a fairy tale.

 still,i wonder,will that boy actually hold on to his words? ah,i doubt he will. =) certain things in life are just too good to be true. it’s better to keep your feet on the ground rather than wishing for something impossible.

From This Moment……

It might be an old song,but  it just never fail to capture my heart.and never fail to sing out a person’s heart when two slowly become one.timeless song like this one just have their very own magic huh?

From This Moment by Shania Twain

(I do swear that I'll always be there. I'd give anything
and everything and I will always care. Through weakness
and strength, happiness and sorrow, for better, for worse,
I will love you with every beat of my heart.)

From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I'd give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on

You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on

 

“I juz duno where or how to start to say this but i'm going to say it.”

a simple message reveal everything.things that are not meant to be,things that will never be,an end to all the doubts and uncertainty and, things that one wished for but it will always remain as a dream.

you said you fall for me,so why are you not persistent enough?

you said you fall for me,so why you walk away?

i stay cool, there’s a lot about me that you are not aware of.

i stay cool, there’s meaning behind my every smile, my every silence.

 

“To tell the true…………..”

a simple message that explain everything.the truth behind every silence and smile,the truth behind every actions and the pain behind every smile.this message brings along doubt and uncertainties; the boundary between what should and should not be done is getting blurred.

so tell me,what should i do now?

so tell me,how should i untangle the knot?

and tell me,that i’ve not forgotten how to cry for myself anymore.

 

this heart has been broken far too many times but no one knows.

i never knew that words spoken without any evil intention would offend someone.and i never knew of it until they finally pour it out just now.

the me last time would try by hook or crook to deny it.but after such going through so many things,i guess i have finally mature and toughen myself out.weaknesses,no doubt,is a pain to the ear but i realised,it's necessary for you to be a better person.

and so i am determine to make myself a better person.for that,i would need to learn to speak less but listen more.the process itself would be a killer;no doubt.but i'm willing to give it a shot.i do feel the need to be a better person. =)


something random:
reconsidering the worth of it but i have decided to stay.i was thinking hard,saying that people are at fault.but maybe i was the one that was at fault.perhaps i wanted spotlight so much that i let it get into me.and unconsciously,i forgot to think for people.

and yes,i do have to be a better person.wish me luck!!i can do it!

the clock strike 12.

as for today,2010 is a history.instead,we welcome 1.1.11 with an open arm with hope that it will promise us a better year ahead.=)

and my new year is celebrated with loved ones as well as hugs and new year wishes from great childhood darlings.accompanied by love songs in the car when hui yan send me back home.

funny how the thought of "will i ever fall in love" cross my mind in this new year.perhaps,i have been wanted to fall in love to that very first special someone.all thanks to bruno mars's just the way you are which was air in the radio.

"you will" is the answer i got from hui yan when i ask her that.and i wonder how true is that.

ah well,i guess it would be hard since anyone that wanted to go after me have to be a persistent one.but still,it wouldn't be a harm to hope for a better one right?

happy new year everyone!!may it be a year filled with happiness and love for all of us!


lots of love,kisses and hugs from,
jane

First

and so,jazz band concert is finally over.i had fun performing in the concert minus the running i did throughout that time that make me feel like jelly just minutes before performance start.ah well,since i burn a lot of calories from it,i shall overlook it for this time.=D

it was my 2nd jazz band concert but little did i know,yesterday itself marks many of my first time.

the first time someone told me i look beautiful that night even though i just wore plain attire and make up.

the first time someone gave me a big bouquet of flowers (hide my feeling even though i really like it)














and it's the first time someone confess that he like me.

little did he know that he make that night special to me and to be frank,i cant help but smiling when i look at that bouquet of flower.

"i think i need more time and to take things slowly." is all i answered.he look a bit dissapointed but i do wonder whether he realise that i was actually giving him a chance to go after me.

again,little did he know that if he is persistant enough,he might actually get what he want.and again,that is if he realise that and did not give up half way.

as you keep on walking,you'll reach a point where there's junction with many splitting road instead of a straight one.you were then force to make a decision whether you like it or not-to take the road not taken or the road where majority opt to.in each decision you makes,it changes your life forever.

if we are lucky enough,we are able to seek the things we want.or so to said,we did make the right decisions.

but that is,if,we make the right one.


the me right now is standing in front of a crossroad.looking at both roads,i was pondering hard.will i made decisions that promised me happy memories or will it only lead me walking down the path filled with regret and dissapointment?

truth be told,i'm afraid right now.but no one knows.

feeling under appreciated.

and is tired of trying to break free from being under a shadow.perhaps,thing was never meant to be in the first place.

what meaning does it hold when you always feel out of the place or worse,more often feeling alone in the crowd?to make it more ironic,it never fail to happen at the place that enable you to do the thing u like the most.

perhaps,being invisible is not a good bad idea after all.at least,it do make me feel better than being under appreciated and like a doll.

music making and team building is SUPPOSE to be fun.for thinking i can let it go just like that,i'm indeed am such an idiot.

there's too many knots and i didn't know where i should start to untangled it.

or,should i said it's a mixture of feeling right now?i don't seem to be able to identify my feeling anymore.put it simple,i don't even know what i want.

the questions "do you like him?" "do you think he has a chance?" and "what do you feel about him?" send me in a state of shock.after all,these questions never cross my mind -in a state where i have to seriously consider bout it- before.

i would be lying if i said i never thought of giving him a chance.but,in a relationship,i do believe that 2 party should get to know each other well enough before they took it further to another stage.not just jumping in a conclusion for the sake just because you got rejected and made through disappointment a few times.

if only people know the real me and my real need.i need a guy that can make me feel safe and secure-not someone that's draining me both mentally and physically.
i need someone that's persistent enough and does not give up easily.
i need someone that know the boundary between personal and work matter.
i need someone that know how to give and take - i don't give and take easily.but if i do,i really meant it from deep in my heart and it gonna be in a very indirect way.
i need someone who are willing to spend time to know me well,just like i do-because i know well how complicated people can be since i am one of those complicated person.

i would be lying again if i said look doesn't matter.but,if that someone do sincerely love me the way i am, willing to spend time to know me well instead of forcing himself on me,i'm ready to accept that someone regardless of their look.after all,what i really need is someone that love me dearly.

to get me,you have to go extra miles to uncover my masks.patient and time are needed, with a promise that you'll get what you want in return.

an escape from the hustle and bustle of the city once in a while might be a good idea after all. =)

and so,i found myself on a one day trip with ciara,pei yek and ben.and i had whole lot's of fun there;the cool breeze and the green green scenery makes me feel calm and happy.

but anyhow,will just let the pics do all the talking =)




BOH TEA-it's a nice place to have a drink and a chat there.




while having tea......somehow we ended up cam whoring at that place.XD




of morning glory and hibiscus.....



say hello to the beau of nature! =D




strawberry farm....what is cameron highland without strawberry?




and this was taken at the side of the road.and the ones with me,of course my precious in uni! XD


oh yea,here's my boy (kinda random,yes i know but somehow i feel like posting his pic! =D)from a kiddo a few months back then,he's a big boy now.love him so much!






my little precious!

aside from inspiration,i seriously need sufficient time to do my writing for the research paper.

writing under constrain and various pressure especially exam is a daunting task......i need to study for my exam and yet i have writing to submit on the same time.......

motivation,where are you?=( i need you badly!