you got my heart racing like a wind. you leave me the longing of seeing you face to face. you make my day with a simple message. you had me going through my day thinking of you. and leave my heart shattered in pieces when you told me you like some other girl? or had me thinking how to put a smile on your face when you were feeling down? perhaps leave me looking forward for some tea time session?

i wonder did you know the one i take the liking on was you? that i didn’t want to be just your friend but more than that?

have i ever cross your mind even once? and do you know i’m missing you even now?

how to tell you i like you without the fear of getting rejected?

i wonder what kills a relationship,friendship especially? distance? interest? point of view? or maybe the understanding that fades with time without anyone of us knowing it?

it’s funny. funny how good friends become strangers. how keeping what we feel towards each other to ourselves. how we would feel neglected by when we found out we were left out in an outing or lunch. how the closeness now replace with coldness.

so tell me, what kills a friendship? had the 2 years friendship built with a lot of effort,patience and love was so fragile that it could break any moment if it weren’t handle with care? what does friendship means if you have to be guarded all the time? why is it that we had become so greedy to the extend that we get dissapointed if our expectation was not met? and why is it that the differences between each of us that we once can accept it, not we see it as something against the self belief we hold onto?

i didn’t know if i can take this any longer. this is just dissapointing, heart wrenching. it’s even more heart breaking when you realise you cant save the friendship despite trying the hardest you can get. when you see them drifting apart away from you even though you tried all your best to cling on them.

i wish i could turn back the time,so that i can just have things back to how they were used to be. the smiley innocent faces,the chattering and laughter during dinner and lunch everyday. and the pillow talk and girls talk that we used to have last time.

those photos that once craved a smile on my face now just left me feeling disheartening. everthing remained the same in the photo, but the people, they changed and that including me.

but,i wonder did they know despite how i changed, my feelings remained the same. i treasure this relationship, each of them just. little did they know about it,i ponder?

did you know i have died everyday waiting for you and willing to love you more than a thousand years?

someday, i wish i could play this song to people i love. chrsitina perri’s a thousand years. i’ve love them for a few years if not a thousand years but i would love to love them forever. i wish i could tell this to that one person but at least, not for now. a crush is not a love and unless i’m pretty sure it’s love towards him, i shall keep mum about it. that is if he feel the same way towards me too which i doubt because he seems to have a girl he like. so yea,pathetic and ironic huh?

i love this song, it gave me a shimmer light of hope. deep inside my heart, i wish i would be singing this song forever. this song but not katy perry’s the one that got away.

please don’t be the one that got away from me.

and oh, i finally found my way back here after abandoning my bloggie for more than a months.

come to think of it, i was drown in the sea of forever unfinished work ever since semester started. not to mention, berita kampus and convocation took up a lot of my time. to the extend that i hardly had any time left for part time job.

so, how should i said about my life ever since semester started? to be frank, i didn’t know how to put it except saying “Oh, well. that’s life for you.” i had my ups and downs; sometimes, i feel so good about myself. other times i feel so crappy, annoying and crappy. good things happened, so do ironic things. this semester is all about realisation.

jazz band. still the same old jazz band; same old people and same old drama. i’ve gotten a lot of silence treatment  (ah well,does it even make a difference since i’ve gotten that for ages?) which ironically comes from my batch-people who are once close to me and in the same flute section with me. and yes, i said i don’t care and i looked like i don’t give a damn about it. but deep down, it still hurts. it still do…….but i guess it doesn’t really matter coz no one gives a damn about it as much as i do. ironic yes it is.

but as ironic as it is, it teach me a lot of thing. i learn to stop wishing, hoping and expecting. i learn (real hard but still fail) to be selfish. i learn how to keep silence and observe people from a far…..bu that means,i’m learning to put up a lot of fake self as well…..good thing,no. coz i’m slowly losing my real self and god knows what i would do when that happened? and as much as i said i learn, i can never bring myself to apply those in my life as hard as i try. failure,yes!

it’s 30 oct, which means my birthday was 3 days before. i seems to get used to the idea that my birthday falls on a pretty crappy day. it’s either fucked up things happened or everyone was bombard with a lot of works or things to do. i don’t know but i guess, i’m turning into a green eye monster when it comes to that.

and i find it funny how i actually bring myself to say that when we was in a card game!  got a card- make a rule and i make it a rule that everyone gotta wished me happy birthday! now that i think of it, i had no idea why on earth i said that? perhaps, i was hoping real hard that i got a birthday wishes from them so much that it had taken over my mind…..massive failure again. *smack head*

but still, im grateful for the simple celebration i had for my birthday from people who are close to me……..i got 2 cakes!-one from coursemates and another from juniors in jazz band. =)

i’m still the unhappy person in the end….a brutal realisation. and you might have notice my writing style had change- it was much more crankier.

shall cut off all the crap……more pics and details bout life and recent langkawi trip coming soon.

excuse my crappy-ness. i must have been too tired. =/

just why is it so hard to get the heart and the mouth to speak the same language?

is it because i’m so used to keeping what i wanted to say all this while?

a surprise phone call

a conversation that lasted for almost an hour

a call with the longest silence that fill in the gap

a conversation that was filled with regrets and questions.

i would love to accept your confession. i would love to give you a nod. and i’m glad that there’s someone that actually love me this much.

but i’m sorry i can’t. this heart does not belong to you. neither yours ever belong to me. i wished i could tell you, you once almost captivated this heart, but you let it slipped away. not everything in life offer you a second chance, not everything had a turning point.

you said you can’t afford to lose me. you kept on asking yourself why you fall in love with me in the first place. you felt like a fool most of the time because according to you, i kept on running away from the attention you gave me. you felt so alone as you have no one to turn to and simply because you felt no one understand you. and above all, you just couldn’t accept the fact that i rejected you and you can’t bear with the thought of losing me.

how could you lose me, when you never got me in the first place? why you kept on asking me why you fall in love with me in the first place, when i myself have no idea why? why do you, till now, couldn’t understand that i push you away simply because, i was afraid of the attention you gave me as i know we are not getting anywhere? how could you not to be alone, when you confined yourself in your own world and refused to let people that care for you in your life? why you couldn’t accept the fact that i rejected you when you are the one that loses the patience and let opportunities slipped away over and over again? and why you thought you would lose me when i’m glad to be just your friends, but nothing more than that?

above all, you make me doubt. doubts about you being genuine, sincere,patience and the desperation of getting a girlfriend.

a phone call

of past regrets, doubts, hatred, and unanswered questions

in the middle of the night

filled with tears and awkwardness