i long for the genuine smile i once had

the smile that was of pure and sincere happiness

when it’s time to say eternal goodbye, i wonder how things would look like?

call me a craze, but i at times, i do fancy about my own funeral. the thoughts of how my funeral would look like linger in my mind at times. i would ponder;

who will turned up to bid the last farewell?

what would be their reaction?

will they shed tears?

will they miss me?

will i be remembered or disappeared without a trace in no time?

i know it sounds scary but i can’t help it.

i’m cool outside most of the time. but inside, i’m withering away.  the boundary of right and wrong is getting blurred. it’s even harder for me to reach out to people who are important to me. the feeling that we are being distant from each other kills me. the thought of undergoing what i went through five years ago is unbearable. i don’t even have the confident to say i would scrap through this again. not when there’s nothing surreal in my thoughts.

if i ever needed help, i wonder who would turn up?

if i ever hit the bottom hard from a 60 tall storey building, who will be there to catch me, watch over me and help me to stand up again?

if i ever bid the world a cruel farewell one day, will these people, ones that have place in my heart wish i could just stay with them, even for one more day?

“…..i kept my promise, don’t keep your distance.”

i wondered if you knew those short cold reply actually hurts? i pondered if you knew you are important to me? did you know that i’m dying inside,slowly but definitely? the feeling of loneliness,unwanted,despair,neglect,misfit had been engulfing me for years?

“…running around trying everything new. but nothing impress me at all,i never expected it to.”

 

i even think of what songs should be played during my funeral. not a complete song list though. but here’s the few;

I don’t want to miss a thing – Aerosmith, song bird- glee version and kenny g version , Landslide-dixie chicks, don’t cry for me argentina- evita, echoes of the rainbow and truth is like a lie-angela aki.

with some japanese,chinese and korean songs, that would complete the list. for now, evita’s don’t cry for me argentina would be the must have song.

 

accompany by the angel of death.

with beds of white,bloody red and mystic blue roses.

a perfect funeral.