In Your Eyes

in your eyes,
they never fail.
you can't bear to see a single dissapointment
lies in their eyes.
or can you stop praising
at the single little things they did.


in your eyes,
it was like heaven and hell
when it comes to she and them
as understanding as she tried be,
sacrificing countless thing
just because she was being too understanding,
all she ever get was
"why can't you be more understanding?"


in your eyes,
you expect her to sacrifice
when you receive a "no"
without asking why
you never fail to break her heart
no mercy,no love,
only faults.


in your eyes,
you claim to be her mother,
that all you did
was for her own good
not realising that
what good it had for her
at the end of the day
the 'good' was for them?


you never fail to amaze her
for rejecting and breaking her heart
she never ceased to be amazed
for being through the same things
over and over again
pondering when it will come to an end.


her smile,
her gratefulness,
her longing for your warmth,
never exist in your consideration.
only them exist in your mind
perhaps,
the very first thing was
just the 2 of your boys.


for never fail to break my heart,
thank you so much for that

Bounded

working days finally officially ended yesterday!woohoo~~~im so gonna miss all those aunties at the toiletries department (well,i'm selling skin care and stuff this time ;P).to be frank,im suprised that i actually look forward to work everyday!that explain how much fun i had there.so,moral of the story; aunties can be really fun to be with as well!!and oh,they're actually no different than us in terms of being cheeky and mischievous.haha!!

big bro came back today with his girlfriend and my,i just realise something; seeing my 2 brother so close together and the changes in my family when they come back makes me questions almost everything.it's almost like they bring out those feeling that lies deep in me without me realising their existance.being jealous perhaps?

being expected to satisfied everyone,doing everything in the way that people classified it as 'the right way' and being despised the moment you made mistakes can be really taxing,both mentally and physically.it just like putting me in a position no different than god.LOLS.....wait,do god make mistakes at times????

Perhaps?

she felt like she almost break down as we keep on chatting about our family.looking at her reminds me of the pain and disapointment that i went through for the last 3 years. it was indeed never been an easy journey to begin with.as i look at her again,i was speechless,my mind was carefully constructing what i was about to said.truth hurts,but lies worse.

as i step in my house,thoughts keep on popping out in my mind.if we happened to be real sisters,will things be different?if only our brothers are being a bit considerate by not being a troublemaker,how would things become?

perhaps?

did mum realised that at times she's almost the same as granny?

I'm Amazed

I'm amazed,amazed at myself (no joke!)

i'm amazed how i could keep on wishing for the same thing over and over again even though i know the thing i'm wishing for,for it to come true almost sound impossible.

i'm amazed,amazed at how long i took to realise that no matter how hard i tried and struggle to be independent to the extend that i could settle everything on my on without relying on anyone,i still yearn to just rely on my parents.

i'm amazed at how i could keep asking and seeking the same thing from my parents over and over again even though i knew well enough that they'll ended up splashing me with cold water.

i'm amazed at how my parents never fail to send me 'running away' with teary eyes without letting them know how heart broken and disapointed i am towards them even though ii was being treated like that for countless time.

i'm amazed that just by watching and realising how different my brothers and i were treated could actually shatter my heart into pieces even though i've been in this condition for years.


and for that,i have no reasons not to amaze at myself.and to be frank,the fact that i'm still sane and could be rational never cease to make me feel amazed at myself for i'm pretty sure enough i'm just a hair breath away to be insane.miracle at works perhaps?

because of that,i guess i'm touch at the kindness that people show me.i admit,it makes me feel happy when my parents showed that they care for me but on the same time,i doubt those feeling since 'it's a burden!' is words i get since i was little whenever i request them to do something for me even though it's a simple trivial matter.


tell me,should i keep wishing for the things i have in my heart or try my ver best to let go of it?gaining back my human heart is not as easy as throwing it away and here's the truth;the bitter truth;i'm slowly losing my human heart;i hardly feel any emotion anymore.things that all these while manage to retain my heart the way it is,for how long my heart could be maintain that way??