give me the courage to scrap through all of it again. i’m not sure how i’m gonna hang on there; neither do i have the idea of what to do. but at least for now, i just didn’t want to stop believing at the things.
please, tell me that all the things now happened for a reason and tell me what is that very reason for all this pain. i forgot how to chill, how to relax, how to find and regain my genuine smile.
restless and confused. no, i’m not okay,not at all.
the clear blue sky with cottony white clouds. it wasn’t exactly sunny like one of those sunny days, but it’s not dark like those rainy days either. with a gust of playful wind that brings along the cold breeze, it was indeed a perfect weather for a lazy day.
except that i wasn’t given the privilege to be lazy today.
but,who would expect there lies a cloudy windy stormy morning with thunder roaring at the sky? it would be one of the scary morning where you are reluctant to step out from your home. it was one of those days where you all you want is to hide under your blanket and do nothing.
come to think of it, in a way, this does reflect how we life our everyday life.those perfect lazy day and dark stormy night could actually represent the ups and downs in our life. the good and bad times, the happy and sad times. life, at times, has so much surprises hidden underneath it’s sleeves that way beyond our expectation.
awkwardness.
i wonder if there’s any other words that could best replace this word. as hard as i tried to act normal, i could still sense the awkwardness in the air. and to be frank, i seriously didn’t like this feeling at all. this afternoon had been a frustrating one; how you could not be frustrated when all your hard work just go down the drain?
despite that, i’m glad with all the changes that happened. i started to slowly get along with a few of the juniors and i smiled, talked and laugh a lot right now. i do get depress once in a while; especially during practise when we were bombard with sarcasm but other than that, i’m coping well with my new life.
as for this awkwardness, i shall just ignore it and treat it as nothing had happened. i’m so not into any kind of unwanted attention again so yea, i’m gonna be firm this time. for the being, getting the music right would be my main priorities.
for some reasons, always, i’m in a love hate relationship with music. it may be rewarding at times, but it may be frustrating as well. i shall pray hard my tutor is not trying to get me into hot soup again this time.
life goes on and it gonna make me strong in the process. i’m enjoying and loving my life now :)
i choose to hang on there. i choose to scrap through everything. and i know how hard this journey would be.
what’s done been done. i can’t ease my longing to this place. so for now, i guess the only thing i can do was hang on there till i found the answers to all the questions i had in my mind.
in the midst of loneliness, i’m missing the people who were once close to me. a longing but not hoping. for these people are not worth fighting for.
but, i do find some bliss in this loneliness. it enable me to see a lot of things, clearly.
it’s only the first day. more days to come after that.
familiar surrounding,
the blue carpet,
musical instrument and stands,
the chilly air conditioning,
meeting familiar people,
i’m back to penang again, earlier, for the sake of the place that held so much memories. memories that makes me feel nostalgic and pondering. does respect and trust that was build was so fragile that it come crumbling down in spite seconds?
the perhaps good old memories that never dies. i dislike the people but i’m drawn to that place. i wondered why. as i long for those good old times, i’ve known well those will always remain as a longing. a dream that will never repeat again once awaken.
this would be my last year here. i wonder what it holds but despite what will happen, i’ll walk through it. i’ll scrap through it; with a smile, bravery, wisdom and of all, an open heart.
the wound is bleeding again. but that’s okay. because i’m now a better and braver person. :) for now, i just want to see everything with my eyes and feel it with my heart. nothing more and less. oh perhaps, with a smile.
the longing is still there. but for now, i’m walking down my own path again.
oh yes, a long hiatus. even though it’s holiday. holiday, that’s it.
i’m feeling much better right now. i’m feeling happy, relaxed and looking forward to my every-boring-day. and most of all, i’m feeling good about myself; i haven’t been having this kind of feeling for the longest time.
gone are the days where i lived my life consumed with guilt with regret. seriously, i have no slight idea what the hell ever happened to me. neither i have any clue of what may be the cause (okay, this is the lie. i do have an idea on what’s going on but for now, let me go into the state of denial about it shall we?)
anyhow, i’m feeling so so so good and so great! though i’m wasting my time doing crap everyday, i’m actually still living my life to the fullest. oh yea, great news? i learn how not to take things to seriously. for most of the things.
for now, everything is great. counting down for 3 more days before i gotta get my ass back to penang for the upcoming concert and convocation practises. yes, lotsa hell might me waiting for me there but i guess i’ll just do whatever i can to make sure i’m not drag into those shit.
life has never been this great. and writing has never been feeling this good – for the longest time!
oh yes, i’m happy and i can’t help but to repeating it over and over again. =D
Cheers for the chilly windy day!
