at least,now i know i can stop trying.

i would be lying if i said it doesn't at all,matter much to me.but there are things that you just can't force your way through.....friendship for example.but at least,i knew,i didn't make this decision without even trying; i tried not once not twice.

if i could convey my feeling to them,i would love to have my feelings being heard rather than having to swallow it up on my own.but,no point in doing it if it'll only cause more troubles (i've been with and working with them for some time so,i knew how things work between them.)

perhaps,i was tired of trying so hard and take it seriously.it do me more harm than good and it wouldn't be so selfish of me have make this kind of decision right?i just wanted to protect myself; unlike her,i have no one to count to in times of needs and happiness and certainly,no one there to make sure i stood up again when i fall.

pictures taken from the outing just now that make me realise my thoughts and decisions.=)



Substituting the snooker stick with a flute.=)



if you look hard enough,you'll see not only the moon but a bright star as well.

i wanted to be people who are able to bestow the same humiliation,despair and betrayal to people that done that to me.but at the end of the day,i realise i can't bring myself to hurt people since i understand the pain too well.guess will let despair dealt with conceited.i'll never forget the feeling of standing alone in a corner,watching them group together,only to realise i was the forgotten one. for that,i'll never take their hand again.

waking up in the morning (afternoon perhaps?) and it seems like my mind is a bit clearer now.

the wounds from yesterday haven't heal; and i wonder how long it'll take to have it closed up - days?months?years? or perhaps,never?

it ache so much,it wreck my heart.but somehow,i manage to figure out what to do.i no longer believe to the concept of 'we're one big family', because,family never leave each other behind,have someone being the forgotten one and abondan them in times of need.

still,i wonder what i'm gona do from now on.going back to a place that leave my heart feeling so empty,it require me a lot of courage and cost a great toll on me.and i found myself still longing to go back to the place; perhaps,i love making music and making music will the only things in my mind now.trust no longer exist between people anymore.

not gona tell anyone this though.being there,struggling so hard for 1 year,i understand how things work there.=) and the best solution to all this problem is silence and smile.

slowly,i'm moving on again with a broken heart.

i'm crying like a child longing for her parents right now.

i thought i'm okay with it,but the true is i'm not.

i thought i could get over it but,i lied to myself.


i thought we're in a team.you told me that.so,why you push me aside?am i meant to be abandoned?

i can't stop the teardrops,all i want right now is someone to be by my side but i'm crying alone now.='(

the things that i struggle so hard to build it,trust it and have faith in it came crumbling down in a meeting that last no longer than 2 hours

i'm weeping like a child except that i can't shed any tears.

things that i wanted look so near and yet,it was actually far.

and i envy those characters in anime,drama and movie where they found their soulmates and true friends because they found the thing's that i had spend my whole life looking for.

she gave me hope,telling me that 'i'm together with you' only to abandon me at times i really need her support.

they tell me that 'let's build a strong bond together to make this project a success', only to cast me aside; standing alone in a corner looking at them consoling each other only to realise that i was forgotten.

no matter how hard i tried,i'll never be able to do things right in their eyes.

and i'm sick of trying so hard,sick of being leave aside like a trash.

and i despise myself the most because,why is it that i can't even cried for myself??

*credit given to Deyan Uzunov for this awesome pics!*


and i let my own feelings waver these few days....it's time to put an end to it.

after all,life goes on,people move on;so why should myself be the obstacle that hinder me from moving forward?

i'll make a move,step by step; even though it's just a small step, one by one,according to my own pace.

perhaps,doing nothing,think of nothing for a few days was the best way for me to sort things out with my inner self.

and i found myself moving on again. =)

and i wonder why time never wait?

it's tuesday...wait,is it supposed to be wednesday considering the time now?anyway,who cares? raya break is less than 2 weeks time and the idea of getting to go back home gets me feeling excited like a little kid.of course,i didn't get a break for nothing.having a 2 weeks holiday in the middle of semestar means i would have to go back home with perhaps 2 big bags of books, again.with YKT214, communication technologies due right after the end of raya break,i wouldn't dream of getting be be a couch potato during holiday (my lecturer was like super strict and i bet she dare to fail us if she's not satisfied with our work!) and more than 25 references for a 6 pages assignment????? >_______________________<

putting that aside,went for jazz band 'buka puasa' potluck yesterday and considering the atmosphere,it was kind of fun.wwe have lots of food; murtabak,chicken curry,cakes,all those kuih-muih, cakes, fried chicken,kfc and lots more.having so much food being put nicely in a long table in front of you when you're hungry to the max makes it even more harder to resist it.i guess the food are way much tastier when you eat it in a big group.

and i wonder why,amidst of being in a crowd of people,i feel so lonely to the extend that i didn't know where feeling came from?



yeap,that's me,playing violin during practise.the pics turns out to be great except that,why i look so emo in it???


oh yea,been wanting to put this up for a while too.pictures from the steamboat gathering we had for our coursemate,mei juan who's going for exchange programme in taiwan for a semestar.gona miss her! (more like a farewell party) and have a great time there!




whole bunch of us...considering the food we ate,for girls,that's scary.XD










thanking pei juan for those wonderful pics.am loving it!

"i'll pull it through."

convincing my heart with that sentence,i wonder what miracle it'll do me.

i found it hard for me to cope up with the rest of my coursemates in my major,journalism.i have always love to write and being a journalist was my aim in life.
that's it when i thought that everything was going smoothly.

i found myself being the only chinese in my major and somehow,things started to freak me out little by little.i found it ironic when i no longer looking forward to attend my major lecture, nor having the urge to find out what's going on.writing to me,in that lecture, is not something i enjoyed doing anymore,instead it turns out to be something that's been done for the sake of passing exam with distinction.

communicationg with my new coursemates turns out to be another daunting task for me.i can go around being friendly with them but somehow,i couldn't bring myself to do it - i feel like i'm being fake and bitchy for doing this for the sake of wanting to know more people just because i was alone - and my principle in a relationship especially in friendship,i choose to take a longer time to get to know someone;i wanted to know more bout them and whether or not i should give it a go.well, maybe i'm the reserved kind of people (wtf.....a communication students is saying stuff like being reserved when she should be good in communciation!)

giving up now was not something i would opt to.instead of giving up,i want to try not to give up.yes,i'm aware that achieving your dream was not an easy task to do (who said life is easy to begin with?) i wanted to keep hanging on to the end and perhaps,this may be the key for me to get myself out of my comfort zone.gotta keep being optimistic!!

i belive hardwork paid off in the end.the climb is high and tough but the view on top of it is great.

burried underneath a mount of assignments,presentations and to-do list,i finally spare myself sometime to breath and take things according to my own pace.

works start from the beggining of the last week of july till now; music camp on the last week of july, followed by performance with jazz band throughout the whole convocation which was super taxing (waking up at 6.30am almost everyday doesn't sound cool at all), submitting assignment draft for approval to lecturer that almost drive you insane but ironically u learnt a lot from her and lot's more.and the list will go on till the end of the semestar (who said communication students have a lot of spare time on their hand?)

one thing for sure,no matter how busy i am,i always look forward for jazz band practise.perhaps,making music somehow soothes my heart and calm me down-allowing me to leave all those worries behind for a while.don't get me wrong,im not that pro in playing instrument.i pick up violin a year ago when i first enrol in university and perhaps thanks to those intense practising crazy score that wasn't meant for beginner,i advanced a lot.even my violin teacher get a shock at my improvement.XD.

somehow,this year,i change to wind instrument; flute.i always thought that i was mean for string instrument but somehow along the way,i came to my senses that i love wind instrument all along.so after pestering my tutor she agreed to help me talk to my prof and........here i am.learning the proper way to play flute.

still,im juggling between learning violin and flute.i mean both of them was my favourite instrument and if possible,i wana learn both of them.a good way for suicidal perhaps?=)

got to stop here.i still have a lot of unspoken thoughts waiting to be put to words but i guess i'll did it next time.time for me to attend my accounting lecture. *sigh*