you got my heart racing like a wind. you leave me the longing of seeing you face to face. you make my day with a simple message. you had me going through my day thinking of you. and leave my heart shattered in pieces when you told me you like some other girl? or had me thinking how to put a smile on your face when you were feeling down? perhaps leave me looking forward for some tea time session?

i wonder did you know the one i take the liking on was you? that i didn’t want to be just your friend but more than that?

have i ever cross your mind even once? and do you know i’m missing you even now?

how to tell you i like you without the fear of getting rejected?

i wonder what kills a relationship,friendship especially? distance? interest? point of view? or maybe the understanding that fades with time without anyone of us knowing it?

it’s funny. funny how good friends become strangers. how keeping what we feel towards each other to ourselves. how we would feel neglected by when we found out we were left out in an outing or lunch. how the closeness now replace with coldness.

so tell me, what kills a friendship? had the 2 years friendship built with a lot of effort,patience and love was so fragile that it could break any moment if it weren’t handle with care? what does friendship means if you have to be guarded all the time? why is it that we had become so greedy to the extend that we get dissapointed if our expectation was not met? and why is it that the differences between each of us that we once can accept it, not we see it as something against the self belief we hold onto?

i didn’t know if i can take this any longer. this is just dissapointing, heart wrenching. it’s even more heart breaking when you realise you cant save the friendship despite trying the hardest you can get. when you see them drifting apart away from you even though you tried all your best to cling on them.

i wish i could turn back the time,so that i can just have things back to how they were used to be. the smiley innocent faces,the chattering and laughter during dinner and lunch everyday. and the pillow talk and girls talk that we used to have last time.

those photos that once craved a smile on my face now just left me feeling disheartening. everthing remained the same in the photo, but the people, they changed and that including me.

but,i wonder did they know despite how i changed, my feelings remained the same. i treasure this relationship, each of them just. little did they know about it,i ponder?

did you know i have died everyday waiting for you and willing to love you more than a thousand years?

someday, i wish i could play this song to people i love. chrsitina perri’s a thousand years. i’ve love them for a few years if not a thousand years but i would love to love them forever. i wish i could tell this to that one person but at least, not for now. a crush is not a love and unless i’m pretty sure it’s love towards him, i shall keep mum about it. that is if he feel the same way towards me too which i doubt because he seems to have a girl he like. so yea,pathetic and ironic huh?

i love this song, it gave me a shimmer light of hope. deep inside my heart, i wish i would be singing this song forever. this song but not katy perry’s the one that got away.

please don’t be the one that got away from me.

and oh, i finally found my way back here after abandoning my bloggie for more than a months.

come to think of it, i was drown in the sea of forever unfinished work ever since semester started. not to mention, berita kampus and convocation took up a lot of my time. to the extend that i hardly had any time left for part time job.

so, how should i said about my life ever since semester started? to be frank, i didn’t know how to put it except saying “Oh, well. that’s life for you.” i had my ups and downs; sometimes, i feel so good about myself. other times i feel so crappy, annoying and crappy. good things happened, so do ironic things. this semester is all about realisation.

jazz band. still the same old jazz band; same old people and same old drama. i’ve gotten a lot of silence treatment  (ah well,does it even make a difference since i’ve gotten that for ages?) which ironically comes from my batch-people who are once close to me and in the same flute section with me. and yes, i said i don’t care and i looked like i don’t give a damn about it. but deep down, it still hurts. it still do…….but i guess it doesn’t really matter coz no one gives a damn about it as much as i do. ironic yes it is.

but as ironic as it is, it teach me a lot of thing. i learn to stop wishing, hoping and expecting. i learn (real hard but still fail) to be selfish. i learn how to keep silence and observe people from a far…..bu that means,i’m learning to put up a lot of fake self as well…..good thing,no. coz i’m slowly losing my real self and god knows what i would do when that happened? and as much as i said i learn, i can never bring myself to apply those in my life as hard as i try. failure,yes!

it’s 30 oct, which means my birthday was 3 days before. i seems to get used to the idea that my birthday falls on a pretty crappy day. it’s either fucked up things happened or everyone was bombard with a lot of works or things to do. i don’t know but i guess, i’m turning into a green eye monster when it comes to that.

and i find it funny how i actually bring myself to say that when we was in a card game!  got a card- make a rule and i make it a rule that everyone gotta wished me happy birthday! now that i think of it, i had no idea why on earth i said that? perhaps, i was hoping real hard that i got a birthday wishes from them so much that it had taken over my mind…..massive failure again. *smack head*

but still, im grateful for the simple celebration i had for my birthday from people who are close to me……..i got 2 cakes!-one from coursemates and another from juniors in jazz band. =)

i’m still the unhappy person in the end….a brutal realisation. and you might have notice my writing style had change- it was much more crankier.

shall cut off all the crap……more pics and details bout life and recent langkawi trip coming soon.

excuse my crappy-ness. i must have been too tired. =/

just why is it so hard to get the heart and the mouth to speak the same language?

is it because i’m so used to keeping what i wanted to say all this while?

a surprise phone call

a conversation that lasted for almost an hour

a call with the longest silence that fill in the gap

a conversation that was filled with regrets and questions.

i would love to accept your confession. i would love to give you a nod. and i’m glad that there’s someone that actually love me this much.

but i’m sorry i can’t. this heart does not belong to you. neither yours ever belong to me. i wished i could tell you, you once almost captivated this heart, but you let it slipped away. not everything in life offer you a second chance, not everything had a turning point.

you said you can’t afford to lose me. you kept on asking yourself why you fall in love with me in the first place. you felt like a fool most of the time because according to you, i kept on running away from the attention you gave me. you felt so alone as you have no one to turn to and simply because you felt no one understand you. and above all, you just couldn’t accept the fact that i rejected you and you can’t bear with the thought of losing me.

how could you lose me, when you never got me in the first place? why you kept on asking me why you fall in love with me in the first place, when i myself have no idea why? why do you, till now, couldn’t understand that i push you away simply because, i was afraid of the attention you gave me as i know we are not getting anywhere? how could you not to be alone, when you confined yourself in your own world and refused to let people that care for you in your life? why you couldn’t accept the fact that i rejected you when you are the one that loses the patience and let opportunities slipped away over and over again? and why you thought you would lose me when i’m glad to be just your friends, but nothing more than that?

above all, you make me doubt. doubts about you being genuine, sincere,patience and the desperation of getting a girlfriend.

a phone call

of past regrets, doubts, hatred, and unanswered questions

in the middle of the night

filled with tears and awkwardness

ever feel that your heart was pounding so fast that you have no idea what’s going on? or trying to do something to catch attention or maybe for the sake of sparking a conversation? maybe always pretending to look around, but wishing hard deep down that one person will happened to look at you and smile? perhaps the urging to see that person more often and the smile that carved on your lips without you knowing it when the eyes meet that person?

and i wonder what is it, that overwhelmed me ever since i first saw him playing the violin?

the end of music camp spells the beginning of the semester. strange enough, as much as i dread the beginning of the semester for the past 2 years, this time round, i was looking forward for it. probably because of the 4 long months of holidays [though i stay home for a month plus for 2 different periods of time, i was rotting from boredom]

as if it was not strange enough, the recent music camp did a lot of wonders too. yea, i had bad and good times- there are times where i played well, other time where i screwed up for god sake. but life goes on; when a window close,another open. opportunities are there for me; i was given a solo for a song as well as to improvise on 2 songs. yea, it was indeed a coincidence but what is opportunities if it never comes and goes as it please?

while i was all so lonely for last year’s music camp, this time round, i get to be a lil bit closer with a few juniors. it was comfortable being around them; there were less drama, no backstabbing and no political issues. all we did was we crapped, laughed and do nonsense together. it was pleasant to be around them; unlike those of my batch, their drama,jealousy and fake self alone are more than enough to exhaust you both mentally and physically.

i asked a person a question, “are we still friends?” yea, i said i would ignore him, but for the past few years, i had lose enough friends.  some who forsake me for the sake of popularity, jealousy, pride and most of reasons that i’m not aware off. as much as i wanted to keep this friendship alive, i realised it was impossible. to keep a one way relation alive when it was supposed to be a two way, just how long can you hang on there?

first week of semester itself, i just couldn’t find any words to describe it. i can totally feel the upcoming crazy workload as well as sleepless nights to come. i can feel the struggle that i’ll have to face,like it or not. despite all that, for some reasons, i have a good feeling about it. perhaps, all this time, i’ve finally grow up and be matured for real.

it’s my final year and i had a long to do list before i call myself a graduate from this university. it might be a tough year but definitely, it’ll be decorated with many blissful wonderful memories.

everything right now, is just so good and i’m feeling blessed like a lil kid again

Send In The Clown…….For I Am The Clown

 

The version i like best among all

as one listen to this melody, some thought of it as a nostalgic love song. some said it was a song of happiness while other said it was just an ordinary sad song about love.

maybe it was the way it was played. but come to think of it, regardless of how it was played, if one listen to it attentively to all the elements, the song sounds as nostalgic and as sad as it can be. it was as if, you are overwhelmed with sadness and regret, a feeling you yourself have no idea where it come from, neither you know why you are feeling in such a way.

send in the clown.as simple as the title sounds, how many of us know that it’s actually referring to fool? even the composer himself said it meant ‘send in the fool’ in other word. in a way, it was ironic. ironic, in a sense that this song actually portray the foolishness that we bring upon ourselves most of the time.

this song sang about the foolish decisions made by two lovers. that was the actual interpretation. but,i do believe that it was not solely restricted to just lovers. it apply to a lot of thing; decisions we made every single day, people we encountered- be it strangers or people we knew, opportunities that slipped away or the true facets of humans, that’s it. the facets that each one of us strive so hard to either hide or shine.

or maybe, the heartache of knowing and realising the fact that people once close to you are drifting farther away from you without you realising it. the closeness that fades away with time and distances. the conversation that last no longer than 5 minutes. or maybe the loneliness despite being in the crowds of people.

oldies is always goodies. i once never understand what it meant. but now, i do. it was perhaps the darkness of this song, perhaps explain why i love it. for now,i just hope i’m still be able to play the solo part for this song, with flute that’s it.

the clowns had been sent in, the show is still going on, the thoughts of the ending is still lingering around,the audiences are laughing but the clowns are crying.

give me the courage to scrap through all of it again. i’m not sure how i’m gonna hang on there; neither do i have the idea of what to do. but at least for now, i just didn’t want to stop believing at the things.

please, tell me that all the things now happened for a reason and tell me what is that very reason for all this pain. i forgot how to chill, how to relax, how to find and regain my genuine smile.

restless and confused. no, i’m not okay,not at all.

the clear blue sky with cottony white clouds. it wasn’t exactly sunny like one of those sunny days, but it’s not dark like those rainy days either. with a gust of playful wind that brings along the cold breeze, it was indeed a perfect weather for a lazy day.

except that i wasn’t given the privilege to be lazy today.

but,who would expect there lies a cloudy windy stormy morning with thunder roaring at the sky? it would be one of the scary morning where you are reluctant to step out from your home. it was one of those days where you all you want is to hide under your blanket and do nothing.

come to think of it, in a way, this does reflect how we life our everyday life.those perfect lazy day and dark stormy night could actually represent the ups and downs in our life. the good and bad times, the happy and sad times. life, at times, has so much surprises hidden underneath it’s sleeves that way beyond our expectation.

awkwardness.

i wonder if there’s any other words that could best replace this word. as hard as i tried to act normal, i could still sense the awkwardness in the air. and to be frank, i seriously didn’t like this feeling at all. this afternoon had been a frustrating one; how you could not be frustrated when all your hard work just go down the drain?

despite that, i’m glad with all the changes that happened. i started to slowly get along with a few of the juniors and i smiled, talked and laugh a lot right now. i do get depress once in a while; especially during practise when we were bombard with sarcasm but other than that, i’m coping well with my new life.

as for this awkwardness, i shall just ignore it and treat it as nothing had happened. i’m so not into any kind of unwanted attention again so yea, i’m gonna be firm this time. for the being, getting the music right would be my main priorities.

for some reasons, always, i’m in a love hate relationship with music. it may be rewarding at times, but it may be frustrating as well. i shall pray hard my tutor is not trying to get me into hot soup again this time.

life goes on and it gonna make me strong in the process. i’m enjoying and loving my life now :)

i just ain’t gonna give the bastards and bitches the satisfaction. so what? that’s how i deal with such “good” friends and right now, i’m proud of the way i handle it.

so what?

i choose to hang on there. i choose to scrap through everything. and i know how hard this journey would be.

what’s done been done. i can’t ease my longing to this place. so for now, i guess the only thing i can do was hang on there till i found the answers to all the questions i had in my mind.

in the midst of loneliness, i’m missing the people who were once close to me. a longing but not hoping. for these people are not worth fighting for.

but, i do find some bliss in this loneliness. it enable me to see a lot of things, clearly.

it’s only the first day. more days to come after that.

familiar surrounding,

the blue carpet,

musical instrument and stands,

the chilly air conditioning,

meeting familiar people,

i’m back to penang again, earlier, for the sake of the place that held so much memories. memories that makes me feel nostalgic and pondering. does respect and trust that was build was so fragile that it come crumbling down in spite seconds?

the perhaps good old memories that never dies. i dislike the people but i’m drawn to that place. i wondered why. as i long for those good old times, i’ve known well those will always remain as a longing. a dream that will never repeat again once awaken.

this would be my last year here. i wonder what it holds but despite what will happen, i’ll walk through it. i’ll scrap through it; with a smile, bravery, wisdom and of all, an open heart.

the wound is bleeding again. but that’s okay. because i’m now a better and braver person. :) for now, i just want to see everything with my eyes and feel it with my heart. nothing more and less. oh perhaps, with a smile.

the longing is still there. but for now, i’m walking down my own path again.

oh yes, a long hiatus. even though it’s holiday. holiday, that’s it.

i’m feeling much better right now. i’m feeling happy, relaxed and looking forward to my every-boring-day. and most of all, i’m feeling good about myself; i haven’t been having this kind of feeling for the longest time.

gone are the days where i lived my life consumed with guilt with regret. seriously, i have no slight idea what the hell ever happened to me. neither i have any clue of what may be the cause (okay, this is the lie. i do have an idea on what’s going on but for now, let me go into the state of denial about it shall we?)

anyhow, i’m feeling so so so good and so great! though i’m wasting my time doing crap everyday, i’m actually still living my life to the fullest. oh yea, great news? i learn how not to take things to seriously. for most of the things.

for now, everything is great. counting down for 3 more days before i gotta get my ass back to penang for the upcoming concert and convocation practises. yes, lotsa hell might me waiting for me there but i guess i’ll just do whatever i can to make sure i’m not drag into those shit.

life has never been this great. and writing has never been feeling this good – for the longest time!

oh yes, i’m happy and i can’t help but to repeating it over and over again. =D

 

Cheers for the chilly windy day!

i long for the genuine smile i once had

the smile that was of pure and sincere happiness

when it’s time to say eternal goodbye, i wonder how things would look like?

call me a craze, but i at times, i do fancy about my own funeral. the thoughts of how my funeral would look like linger in my mind at times. i would ponder;

who will turned up to bid the last farewell?

what would be their reaction?

will they shed tears?

will they miss me?

will i be remembered or disappeared without a trace in no time?

i know it sounds scary but i can’t help it.

i’m cool outside most of the time. but inside, i’m withering away.  the boundary of right and wrong is getting blurred. it’s even harder for me to reach out to people who are important to me. the feeling that we are being distant from each other kills me. the thought of undergoing what i went through five years ago is unbearable. i don’t even have the confident to say i would scrap through this again. not when there’s nothing surreal in my thoughts.

if i ever needed help, i wonder who would turn up?

if i ever hit the bottom hard from a 60 tall storey building, who will be there to catch me, watch over me and help me to stand up again?

if i ever bid the world a cruel farewell one day, will these people, ones that have place in my heart wish i could just stay with them, even for one more day?

“…..i kept my promise, don’t keep your distance.”

i wondered if you knew those short cold reply actually hurts? i pondered if you knew you are important to me? did you know that i’m dying inside,slowly but definitely? the feeling of loneliness,unwanted,despair,neglect,misfit had been engulfing me for years?

“…running around trying everything new. but nothing impress me at all,i never expected it to.”

 

i even think of what songs should be played during my funeral. not a complete song list though. but here’s the few;

I don’t want to miss a thing – Aerosmith, song bird- glee version and kenny g version , Landslide-dixie chicks, don’t cry for me argentina- evita, echoes of the rainbow and truth is like a lie-angela aki.

with some japanese,chinese and korean songs, that would complete the list. for now, evita’s don’t cry for me argentina would be the must have song.

 

accompany by the angel of death.

with beds of white,bloody red and mystic blue roses.

a perfect funeral.

i found my way back here after a long hiatus. =)

in a blink of eyes, it’s been one month since i first started my internship. i remembered writing down how depressed i felt during the first week of internship. it sure took me a while but now that i look back at those time, i’m glad i manage to scrap those day through. it was never easy but at least, it’s worthwhile.

turns out all those people are not as bad as they seemed. perhaps it was the way of communication that was so differ from what i used to. colleagues are willing to teach you things when you asked. sometimes, they were willing to gave you opportunities to trained and proved yourself.

however, that doesn’t meant one can take it for granted. for opportunities come and slip away just like that. it’s either you put in a lot of effort and make sure it work out, or you just screw it out. 

colleagues, as much as they smiled and laughed out loud, at times, it seemed like there’s something else lies within the happiness. for each of them were, or maybe still are haunted by the ghost of past. desperation, emotion, un-satisfaction, injustice, doubts, those negative waves once washed away their youth for a few years; they were almost drown in it.

life, never promised a smooth sailing trip to begin with. when things goes the way you want, life seemed like a fairy tale. a tale that was too good to be true at times. however, when you were slapped hard with reality, it feels like you were hit at the rock bottom. Hard and rough, with no where to escape now here to run.

i screwed up once and almost drown myself in the sea of desperation. it was hard to build back the confidence that was smashed to pieces. but i guess, for now, i shall just hang on there.

i’ll hang on and scrap through this no matter how hard is it, till i welcome the 4th friday.

My Experience with SONY Cyber Shot

 

if feels like yesterday when i enrolled as a freshie.

we were freshie!!! =D looked so young and kiddy back then.

i’m not that old mind you. but, for some reasons, i never cease to amaze on how time could just pass and flies without waiting for anyone. there were times when i wished the clock would just stop ticking for the would to come to a standstill. for i would want happy moments to remain there forever, for me to be gay and keep on laughing out loud.

 

from freshie to senior, from girl to fine young lady

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i don’t have to do any talking with words. all the pictures above are far more already a good story teller themselves. =) all those photos were took using sony cyber shot anyway. sony cyber shot that takes shots of my journey in life, from a little girl to a fine young lady.

my experience with sony cyber shot? it would be

SONY AND ME IN SONY CYBER SHOT

funny how i’m actually doubting myself right now.

did i choose the right place to do internship?will i be able to perform well?will i be able to learn new things and sharpen my skills? or will i be doing all these trivial jobs for the remaining 2 months?

for the last doubt,heck no! the me right now,i was afraid, nervous and anxious. perhaps hearing my other coursemates saying they are given a lot of real hand experience related task, it somehow increase my jealousness. i was in a total mess and haywire right now. i just couldn’t calm myself.

perhaps, just for tonight, i shall let all my thoughts go haywire. i need a talk with myself. it’s only the beginning……only the second day. perhaps, with more effort and hard work, things will get better. yes it will. i just have to put in more effort and i can scrap through this.

maybe for once,i should stop thinking about expectation. just for this one, perhaps i ought to take a step at a time and see what this company holds for me.

the sun set and rise. tomorrow onwards, it definitely gonna be a better day.

internship officially started today!! as mention in the previous post [maybe dated a few months back?] i secure myself as an intern in seventeen magazine [sounds glamour eh?] and ironically, as excited as i am when i first know about this, i somewhat wasn’t feeling pretty enthusiastic of starting internship. instead, part of me is dying for september to come quickly so that i can get my arse back to penang.

perhaps, i was afraid of being in a new place as a total stranger. not only the roads here is like combination of spiders’ web, getting out just to get a meal takes up a lot of your time!! yea,KL and PJ do sounds [again] glamour,but the fact is it isn’t. not many people know how it taken a toll on u almost daily [exclude local kl ppl please].

and i am stranded in a room where my space practically consists of a bed and sum place to put my luggage bag,laptop bag and hand carry bag. that’s it. not an extra inch is given.even my make-up, toiletries and what else all have to be in hand carry bag. FML.

as fi things isn’t unsatisfying enough, first day of internship sucks! been left waiting the receptionist area for 1 hour like a total idiot. wen to office and again, i felt like a total idiot as there’s no work available for me (by work i mean REAL WORK!!). i ended up helping ironing clothes used for photo shoot for almost like an hour plus. then was ask to arrange and dispose old press releases and it actually took almost a few hours to do it!

got Apple’s help to write some code on double dating and hopefully the entertainment and lifestyle editor would use it for aug issue. then, gotta called up all the participants to invite them for crew girl get together event and i gotta resume calling tomorrow since i couldn’t reach some of them =/ and finally,i was required to type out the list in words which i gonna do it tomorrow.

maybe i was expecting more. maybe i was expecting too much from myself as well.i wanted to do some real writing job.not trivial job like this. and rite now, i was afraid that i’ll ended up doing all these trivial jobs for the remaining 2 months and it’s hard for me to adapt myself with them as they seemed to have their own clique and their own topic of conversations. and i for one have no freaking idea on the things that they are talking about. neither about starting a conversation. massive failure. WTF and FML.

tomorrow and the coming days,i pray that it will be a better day. i would endure and do anything just to land myself on real writing works during internship. *cross fingers and pray hard*

the only time i feel good about myself without having to walk away feeling nothing but guilt and depress, is the time when i stop giving a damn about what people taught and said about me or behind my back.

this doesn’t mean i’m someone who can’t accept criticism. yes, criticism plays important role when we intend to improve ourselves.however, being exposed to too much criticism for a long time and in everything you do, it kills. it kills, not only your confidence and self esteem, but, it leave u in a depress state,pondering what’s wrong and what’s not. soon because of that,you get tired with life. that’s when thoughts like suicide, giving up or ‘let’s just do nothing and rot since everything is so wrong’ came invading your mind as uninvited and unwanted guests.

the pressure to be someone-you-are-suppose-to-be is always there. in this fast moving world, everything is all about perfection in the eyes of beholders. any slight imperfection is total unacceptable; unless you are lucky enough to meet someone who value it or maybe escape it with minor scratch. but, let’s just admit it that not all of us are that lucky. with pressure,influences and demand in every corner of the market,society or maybe loved ones, we no longer be who we are,rather we are who we are supposed to be.

amidst all that, this saying comes ringing in my mind every now and then. in order to get something, one must sacrifice something of an equal value – equivalent change. for some circumstances, this proved to be true,fair and just. but under certain predicaments, it just didn’t make sense.

yes,i do harbour a lot of dissatisfaction and anger in me for the happenings in my life. despite all these, i do want to believe that there’s a lot of wonderful things hidden under all these brutality and cruelty. it might be just an never ending dream. but if it’s a dream that would keep me going and ensure i’m on the right track, what’s wrong in holding unto those dreams?

quote from ‘Dream Girls’, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS DREAM. 

i might get myself killed one day if i’m not careful enough in handling all these emotion running in me right now.

the odd one

the exceptional one

the weird one

the longing for the sense of belonging

the denial of the truth

the hidden living under a shadow

the buried emotion

the only stranger amongst family members

always

looking at the wide blue-white cotton sky

the green-blue mysterious oceon

the woody-greeny calming trees

the chromatic sky of the sun rise and set.

 

always

hoping she could

dance under the rhythm of the rain

bath the warmth of the shinning sun

dazed off by the beauty of enigmatic moon

adrift halfway counting the hanging diamonds hang on the wide black curtain

 

always

surmise what lies deep at the other side

haunted by past ghosts

well-nigh drown in the realm of dysphoria

chained with unseen loud fetter

 

always

ponder why fairy tales doesn’t exist

in refusal and state of denial of “fate”

the never ending struggle

trading dim hope over and over again

for promises that seem impossible

 

always

the bird in the golden cage

full of longing,thoughts,reverie

remorse,melancholy and perhaps,a kiss of warmth

too, confined in an unwanted golden cage

 

always

the bird in the golden cage

with a dream of thorny bushes

 

a look to the left,

a glimpse to the right,

in a blink of eyes,

time flies – just like that.

looking back, it feels like yesterday where everything begin. the anxiousness, excitement, pondering, thoughts, tears, laughter – those mixed feelings that refined every single details in my life do actually leave a mark in my life without me even realising it.

only one more year to go, perhaps, in just a blink of eyes i would be attending my graduation ceremony – holding my degree and looking back at the life that i’ve spend in my university years so far.

i do wonder how i’ll react. will i shed tears? will i feel as if there’s stones weighting down my heart? will i miss those moments i spend? or maybe, will i pray hard that time would just stop right there,remain still and let those time go on forever?

funny how i’m having all these thoughts in my mind right now. yet, no matter what, i myself are pretty aware that despite whatever happened, at the end of the day, i would miss those places. places that have traces of fragmented memories of the day spend together regardless of bad or good times.

all this are part of learning process to begin with. i learnt and grow along as i live with it. i came to my on senses as life goes on; for now,at least, i learn how to be true to myself.

well, i still have a year to go. i’m pretty sure i’ll filled every single days with memories, memories that remained close in heart till the end of life.

as for now, i guess i’ll just live on.

time flies, life? life goes on. life is just too beautiful to be wasted just like that.

P.S I Love You

and no,i’m not in love right now =) but still,i’m looking forward to experience one.

Funny how i am actually missing the place that enable me to learn what i want all along but full with unseen drama,a place where trust and respect are striped from me and never fail to leave me feeling disappointed and broken hearted, like right now.

as much as i wanted to tell everyone that place sucks and the people sucks,

as much as i wanted to just erase all the memories from that place,

as much as i wished hard i could escape from there,

at the end of the day,i just found myself longing to be there, with my flute - accompanied by the melody and the harmony that dance gracefully with each other, nothing but feeling ease and appeased with the beauty of it.

what is this sense of loneliness and sadness that surround this thought?

perhaps, despite all those pains, tears, disappointment and loneliness, i love that place. as much as i dislike the people there, i still found myself being drawn to that place.

imma such a fool ='/

Cuteness, is how i’m going to describe what i’m feeling today =D

Still remember the Guardian and Angel game that i mentioned in my previous post? we were suppose to reveal who our angel are today and yea, we were creating a laughing havoc at the group page created at facebook – PMers in AISEC USM.

before i reveal who’s my guardian is, let’s talk about this cute lil girl who is suppose to be my angel. she’s just so cute,till the end. ♥♥♥♥♥ nyaa~~~~

i got this for her yesterday. =D glad that she like it and yea, i manage to remain anonymously till the last minutes.

it’s a surprise to everyone given the fact that i am her guardian. everyone was like giving this “what the…..” and “HAHAHHAHAHHAHAH” reaction. well, at least that proven that i do have a bit of talent in acting. haha!

and as who’s my guardian, you’ll never be able to guess who =)

 

TADAAAAA!!!!

 

who would ever know that this cute girl,who are suppose to be my angel is actually my guardian as well? and yea, both of us are actually guardian and angel for each of us. what a coincidence. and apparently, my girl, ciara knew about it and yea, you can actually imagine how hard she laugh when i finally knew who my guardian is.

a glimpse of all the havoc in facebook =)

still, that’s so sweet of her. i cant help smiling when i looked at those lil prezzies. it’s so priceless; her cute reaction and undeniably loud laughter when she receive the stuff i gave her and scratching her head real hard figuring out who is her guardian. and the cute lil gifts i receive from her, my lovable guardian =)

the game had come to an end. but one thing for sure, it leaves a beautiful memorable memories in my heart. i love you gurls sooooo much!! and how can you be soooooo cuttteeeee????? haha…..

and here’s the pic i choose to reveal myself. ♥

yeap, this pic was took when we go holiday together last year, at Cameron Highland ♥

Of Guardian and Angel

Funny how i found myself ended up experiencing a whole new experience. a memorable one, unforgotten one and the one that once again,slowly heal my wounded heart.

it started of with just ‘OK,I’m joining this since my friends are joining it’. i have to admit, i do hold that thoughts, little but not, when i first enrol myself as member. i was reluctant, partly because i didn’t know whether i would have to time to commit myself or not. but i guess, the main reason would be i was fear the same thing would happened again. just like in Jazz Band, where my trust,respect and feeling are striped off in a meeting that last no longer than 2 hours.

still, i guess my curiosity overpowered me. the thought that i would be offer a whole new experience, new skills and of all,knowing new people. i just couldn’t resist the temptation. and right now, i’m glad. i’m glad for taking the first step,for willing to take risk. i was given lots of memorable memories and laughter in return. it ain’t that bad after all i guess. =)

oh yea, we are currently playing guardian and angel game.as part of the activities for team day. =D and yea,it turns out to be funny and some of them are just so cute XD

this cute lil girl supposed to be my angel. and yea,i gave her a rocky biscuit and a bar of chocolate.unfortunately she mistaken some one else as her guardian.i guess i would have a lot of thing to laugh when she know im her real guardian. am so looking forward to see her reaction XD

 

me and ciara laughing bout it at MSN.XD cuteness ♥♥♥♥♥

Deep in my heart, i thanked all these wonderful people for giving me a memorable time. i doubt if you guys know you guys,in a way change me in a lot of ways and heal the wounds in me. thank you for showing me,once again, what being in a team and a family means. =)

i would like to dedicate this post to my buddy. it’s her birthday today! =D i’m sure she won’t read it but still, i wana dedicate this to her.

 

Dear Yuen Shin,

Happy Birthday, mi amor!!!

may you are bless with

faith

wisdom

and, of all,

courage

in everything that you do,

decisions that you make,

and, lastly,

love ya for always.

=)

 

yours truly

winter’s love

mummy, forever anxious =)

daddy, fierce but mischievous and funny at times

granny, quiet but loved her grandchildren more than anything

rookie (rotweiler), the gentle giant at home

 

it feels good to be with them after being away from home for 2 months long.pampered with lots of love and care and not forgetting, the priceless home cooked food =)

 

it’s even better to know you are now at a place you belong;

safe and sound under daddy’s protection and careful supervision

away from all those pretentious, bitchy people

grasp for fresh air while putting away those ‘masks’ for the time being

but, of all,

smiling to own self, feeling blessed and thankful for having such a wonderful family.

 

i’m back to where i belong, a place i call ‘HOME’.

 

will you walk away,

now that i told you the truth.

will you walk away,

simply because the truth spoken hurts?

truth was told,

because you ask for it,

because you are someone i cheerish,

someone that i didn’t want to lie to.

will you walk away,

now that you know the truth?

 

image credit to : http://zannee.blogspot.com/

2 posts in less than an hour time =D. decided to separate it since i didn’t want to make the previous post a super long one.

Communication night was on friday night. and this was suppose to be a farewell dinner for 3rd year seniors who will be graduating soon. yet, here we are, the 2nd year, having fun on our own there as well (since a few of my closest gals is the organising committee,we decided to go and help them out as usherers! =D)

A race to remember- roses and glitters. that’s the theme for that night. function was supposed to start at 8pm but ended up started at 9pm because everyone was super late! this is really a bad example and for someone that was time conscious and punctual like me,i do pissed off for a while. but guess that;s how malaysian work huh? no good no good, indeed. and yea, we were hungry and tired,wishing hard we could just sit down while we were standing there ushering people!

the food was great but because we are just too hungry,we forgot to took any pictures since we are busy globing down the food. =) and the rest of the night are spend taking pictures!  everyone is so pretty and gorgeous,so why waste it? =P

here’s some glimpse for the night!

that’s me,after getting my make up and hair done. =)

 

usherers of the night. everyone look so pretty and gorgeous!

 

with yi ling =)

 

with sue ann.and her dress is just so pretty and cute! and i super love her sueda beige heels!

 

with my lovelies at university. they add colours to my university lives and i love them!

 

with hot gorgeous wonderful lovelies!! my favourite people in university XD.i love them so so much =D

 

and of course, we didn’t end the night just like that. we do have our own after-party pre-planned earlier. =D we rawks right? girls just wana have fun and we do deserve some for working so hard and spend so many sleepless night and trying to cope and making sure the projects and assignments is done aside from making sure the night go smoothly.

that’s all for now. gonna go take a bath and get ready for dinner in a short while =)

oh, for all the lovelies out there, have fun and enjoy your day =D

muacks!

 

xoxo

It’s April!!! time sure flies! =)

today is Sunday and i’m lazing around as it i don’t have any assignment due (i had one article due on tue and i haven’t even start writing yet! =S) Bruno Mars’ s lazy song had been lingering in my mind for this 2 whole days. wonder how i gona ever get rid of my laziness and my great urge to procrastinate.

sleeping time and eating habit is all over the place and haywire. i slept in the morning and woke up in noon time. i ate one meal a day and surprisingly, i can actually stuff in many food at one time; resulted in not being able to take dinner. it’s so so so so so so so so unhealthy, yes, i know but i can’t help it.guess that’s what a university student should be =P (bad example! do not follow!)

it’s been a taxing followed by fun week. taxing in a sense that i had magzine assignment due on fri and my group members,again, driving me nuts.group assignments had never fail to traumatized me and i wonder what’s the problem here? maybe i’m at fault for having too much expectation? i tried to lower my expectation in work performance but i can’t stand it whenever people give me shitty work. i mean, come on,i’m doing the whole assignment and you’re only doing a small part of it. can’t you give me a good quality work instead of a shitty one and at one glance,one know it’s done effortless?don’t expect me to clear your shit k?

putting that aside, here’s a glimpse of the magazine i did =)

   front cover. =) it’s not that good as i should have done better.                more improvement needed.

last page. done in purpose as this magazine gonna have 2 cover page =)

editor’s note, content and editorial board. again, should have done better as this was done pretty last minute

the fashion part im doing. this is part of FEMALE magazine layout and somehow,i like it as it was simple but on the same time, it bring out the best of each product that was promoted in the page. pictures was hand pick one by one to make sure it match and come together =)

clarification: this is the layout from Female magazine. i merely change the fonts to make sure it fit with my magazine concept. pictures was taken from various website; I DO NOT OWN THESE PICTURES. and details to the pictures is made up. NON OF IT IS TRUE. again, credit given to female magazine for this wonderful layout as well as other websites for these wonderful images. =)

 

producing a complete magazine, i realised is not something easy. despite all those storm and bickering, i do enjoy the final product. i do meant to upload the whole magazine but some part are just so ugly i cant even bring myself to read it. they totally spoil the whole magazine. sigh, anyhow,i’m glad the ordeal is over and one more featured article to go before we wrap up this semestar. =D