i remembered how i would pretend to fall asleep in the living room when i knew dad will be home late,
i remembered how i would pretend to be asleep when dad tried to wake me up softly,
simply because i wanted dad to carry me back to my bedroom.
i remembered how i wish dad would carry me to bedroom every night,
i remembered how i wish that my bedroom was a few kilometers away,
simply because i wanted dad to carry me longer.
i remembered how i would secretly grinned when i was in my dad's arm,
i remembered how i would smile when dad gently put me on my bed,
simply because i am happy that my plan work out.
i remembered how i would listen to the sound of the door being gently close,
i remembered how i would quietly dozed off,smiling after that,
simply because i am satisfied and felt bless.
i remembered how i love the feeling when dad carry me,
i remembered how i felt so safe in my daddy's arms when he carry me,
simply because dad's two strong arms never fail to make me feel so warm and safe.
that was when i was still a little girl.now that i'm a 21 years old young adult,i do yearn to have dad carry me to my bedroom,just like how dad would carry me when i was a child.i adore dad's big palms,dad's two strong arm and how those two strong hands can never fail to make you feel so safe and being love.dad's definetly not good in showing his love and care through words but somehow,his every single gestures and actions,no matter how tiny is it never fail to move me.and i love it when he's being protective over me in some times.
but daddy,
i'm a big girl now.i'm no longer a girl who barely reach 3 feet and still look so toddler.i'm no longer a kid who said 'yes' to the things you said-i rebel your decisions and force my way through at times.but that's i wanted to explore my surrounding and take new risks.i know you are afraid of me falling down but that's ok because i'll never grow up if i never step out from my cocoon.
but daddy,no matter how independent i may be,at the end of the day,i'm still your little girl.i know i'll always be one.that i can promise you.
daddy,
i know you won't read this.that's the reason why i wrote my thoughts down here.even though sometimes we quarrel,even though sometimes i rebel your words and decisions,even though sometimes i resent how unfair god is to me because you are not kind to me when we're in a fight,at the end of the day,i love you daddy.your every sacrifices,i remembered everyone of it.
daddy,
i love you daddy.and you know,i will always will.
Saturday 27 November 2010
Monday 22 November 2010
Thursday 18 November 2010
while other have an hour or perhaps more than that, every call made never last more than 1 min.or the longest,5 mins.
while phone calls for both of them are frequent,perhaps to the extend of everyday, every call made was a week once.or perhaps 2 weeks once.
while she can talk almost everything to them in the phone,every call made was the same sentences.or the most,just 2 sentences.
while concern were showed when they need it,every call made sounds cold and unfamiliar.
and i envy those that can have a heart to heart talk with their parents.simply because,i was not given such privilege.the expectation is there;no mistakes are allowed and every mistakes made shall not be overlook.and that's how i am supposed to be in the family.
and now,i just couldn't find the meaning to move on.what is the means of moving on?
Wednesday 17 November 2010
i finally found the courage to move forward again,after feeling dejected for 2 whole day.
what has passed,there's no turning back to it.as much as i wanted to scream and throw tantrum or perhaps hoping for the time to go backward so that i can make amendment,those will just merely remain as something impossible.
the only thing i can do right now is work as hard as i can to make sure that i can make things better,even though it's only a little.it's tough but given the current situation,i was only offer 2 choices-screw up the whole paper or work as hard as i can in hope to improve my grades.screwing up the whole paper is definetly not something i would opt-never in my life will i choose to give up just like that!
the me right now,is just like clinging hard on a spider thread to make changes.
but still,it's better than choosing to give up without even trying.
what has passed,there's no turning back to it.as much as i wanted to scream and throw tantrum or perhaps hoping for the time to go backward so that i can make amendment,those will just merely remain as something impossible.
the only thing i can do right now is work as hard as i can to make sure that i can make things better,even though it's only a little.it's tough but given the current situation,i was only offer 2 choices-screw up the whole paper or work as hard as i can in hope to improve my grades.screwing up the whole paper is definetly not something i would opt-never in my life will i choose to give up just like that!
the me right now,is just like clinging hard on a spider thread to make changes.
but still,it's better than choosing to give up without even trying.
Tuesday 16 November 2010
who to blame??
as much as i wanted to put all the blame on the world,i still have to admit that at the end of the day,i'm supposed to blame myself, not someone else.
perhaps i didn't work hard enough
perhaps i should have spend more time on it
perhaps i was carried away
perhaps i took it for granted
perhaps......
perhaps......
all those hard work- sleepless night,time and effort spend,the frustration i had to bear and all those bitterness just go down the drain just like that.it makes me think-might as well as i just fool around,even i was subjected to this condition,i'm aware that i did not try hard enough.but,as for now,i feel like those effort are futile.hard work don't always paid off.or either,i'm not working hard enough.
for the time being,i just wanted to cry.and yet,i despise myself right now-i wanted to cry so badly but i can't find my tears.
as much as i wanted to put all the blame on the world,i still have to admit that at the end of the day,i'm supposed to blame myself, not someone else.
perhaps i didn't work hard enough
perhaps i should have spend more time on it
perhaps i was carried away
perhaps i took it for granted
perhaps......
perhaps......
all those hard work- sleepless night,time and effort spend,the frustration i had to bear and all those bitterness just go down the drain just like that.it makes me think-might as well as i just fool around,even i was subjected to this condition,i'm aware that i did not try hard enough.but,as for now,i feel like those effort are futile.hard work don't always paid off.or either,i'm not working hard enough.
for the time being,i just wanted to cry.and yet,i despise myself right now-i wanted to cry so badly but i can't find my tears.
Monday 15 November 2010
yea,i'm officially screw up for this semestar.getting C for not one,not two but 3 courseworks are indeed more than enough to kill me off.with one of it is 70% coursework,that's it.
of course,i'm feeling super dissapointed now.it was like afterall,my worst grade ever.and i just have no idea how to survive this semestar.it pissed me off when my group members seem to not know anything bout it.and when one of them text me
'it's ok,you try your best.i'm sorry that i drag you down.'
i was left speechless and of course i'm angry as well.what's the point of apologizing now that the result is out?and nothing make me feel even frustrated to the fact that all those efforts,time and energy spend on those assignments just go down the drain like that.
perhaps,mum's call somehow add salt to the wound.she call just now and ask how's exam.i reply, 'like that lo.but i have a feeling i'm going to get bad result this sem'.i expect words of encouragement;i really do need those word from her.instead,all i get was, 'why your coursework so bad?' how am i supposed to know that?it's not like i was fooling around throughout the whole semestar and she said nothing esle after that.yea,it do break my heart.i know things is always different between me and my 2 brothers but i guess,at this point,i just cant take it anymore.
can i just cry like a child now?
of course,i'm feeling super dissapointed now.it was like afterall,my worst grade ever.and i just have no idea how to survive this semestar.it pissed me off when my group members seem to not know anything bout it.and when one of them text me
'it's ok,you try your best.i'm sorry that i drag you down.'
i was left speechless and of course i'm angry as well.what's the point of apologizing now that the result is out?and nothing make me feel even frustrated to the fact that all those efforts,time and energy spend on those assignments just go down the drain like that.
perhaps,mum's call somehow add salt to the wound.she call just now and ask how's exam.i reply, 'like that lo.but i have a feeling i'm going to get bad result this sem'.i expect words of encouragement;i really do need those word from her.instead,all i get was, 'why your coursework so bad?' how am i supposed to know that?it's not like i was fooling around throughout the whole semestar and she said nothing esle after that.yea,it do break my heart.i know things is always different between me and my 2 brothers but i guess,at this point,i just cant take it anymore.
can i just cry like a child now?
Friday 12 November 2010
i was left wavering with dissapointement one after another yesterday but a good 8 hours solid sleep might be exactly what i need to calm myself down.
getting C+ for both my assignments (with one of them are 70% coursework) definetly dealt me a big blow.afterall,i had never did so badly in my course before.the worse grad i ever get was B+ and that should be able to explain why i felt so upset.
to add salt to the wound,miscommunication happened between me and my research writing partner.perhaps both of us are at fault but with so much job pending,i just don;t have the time and energy to argue with him.i have better things to do than wasting my energy arguing with him.in reply for his sarcastic text messages,instead of replying his message with the same essence,i opt to just be calm and told him that i would get the job done. yes,i have strong work ethnic and perhaps that lead to my stubborn-bull-like personality.
anyhow,now that i'm feeling alright and calm,i should be getting back to my job.after all,my to-do list was kinda long today:
1.get the research writing ready according to the skeleton i made
2.re-construct the reading and points for my monday paper
3.study for tomorrow insurance exam (taking the exam for the sake of rm100.omg!)
yeap,i'm proud of myself that i wasn't dwelling at my misfortune like a sore loser.
getting C+ for both my assignments (with one of them are 70% coursework) definetly dealt me a big blow.afterall,i had never did so badly in my course before.the worse grad i ever get was B+ and that should be able to explain why i felt so upset.
to add salt to the wound,miscommunication happened between me and my research writing partner.perhaps both of us are at fault but with so much job pending,i just don;t have the time and energy to argue with him.i have better things to do than wasting my energy arguing with him.in reply for his sarcastic text messages,instead of replying his message with the same essence,i opt to just be calm and told him that i would get the job done. yes,i have strong work ethnic and perhaps that lead to my stubborn-bull-like personality.
anyhow,now that i'm feeling alright and calm,i should be getting back to my job.after all,my to-do list was kinda long today:
1.get the research writing ready according to the skeleton i made
2.re-construct the reading and points for my monday paper
3.study for tomorrow insurance exam (taking the exam for the sake of rm100.omg!)
yeap,i'm proud of myself that i wasn't dwelling at my misfortune like a sore loser.
Thursday 11 November 2010
Monday 8 November 2010
aside from inspiration,i seriously need sufficient time to do my writing for the research paper.
writing under constrain and various pressure especially exam is a daunting task......i need to study for my exam and yet i have writing to submit on the same time.......
motivation,where are you?=( i need you badly!
writing under constrain and various pressure especially exam is a daunting task......i need to study for my exam and yet i have writing to submit on the same time.......
motivation,where are you?=( i need you badly!
while others are beginning the countdown towards the last day of exam, i'm still in the midst of counting down days for my papers to start. my first paper, after all is on 15th nov, 1 week from now.
and it seems like i'm having a battle with my internal self on the same time as well.exam period, is always a killer time for me. a time where we forcefully squeeze everything we learn in perhaps less than a week time into our poor brain, simply for the sake of one word 'EXAM'.and i, without fail, would have to force myself to study instead of slacking off.
learning process, to me, is supposed to be a process where i enjoy discovering new things that are alien to me and apply it according to my own flavor in life.instead,now,i found myself pushing myself real hard to study for exam;for the sake of getting a good grade and of course,dean list.
i wonder why all these matters so much to me; good grades and hitting dean list.no idea why though, afterall,i had the same question in my mind every since in secondary school.
above all,mr motivation, please come to me.i need you to survive this exam.=(
and it seems like i'm having a battle with my internal self on the same time as well.exam period, is always a killer time for me. a time where we forcefully squeeze everything we learn in perhaps less than a week time into our poor brain, simply for the sake of one word 'EXAM'.and i, without fail, would have to force myself to study instead of slacking off.
learning process, to me, is supposed to be a process where i enjoy discovering new things that are alien to me and apply it according to my own flavor in life.instead,now,i found myself pushing myself real hard to study for exam;for the sake of getting a good grade and of course,dean list.
i wonder why all these matters so much to me; good grades and hitting dean list.no idea why though, afterall,i had the same question in my mind every since in secondary school.
above all,mr motivation, please come to me.i need you to survive this exam.=(
Saturday 6 November 2010
i suppose i ask that question in an absent minded manner.that explain why it took her a long time to reply me.
*there's no more baby la.the baby's heart stop beating at 7 weeks*
that leaves me stunned for a while.i felt like it was as if i was adding salt to her wound.panic attack me and i was frantically trying to construct my reply in my mind.
i apologise for not knowing it and even though she said she's ok,i still feel bad.feeling guilty for not knowing it earlier.feeling worse for bringing up the subject that would hurt her.and to end these awkwardness,i lie that i had to resume studying...perhaps,simply because i didn't know what to say...neither i know of the proper way to console her as i did not want to make things worse.
i know she wont get a chance to read this but i stil want to say:
jia,i'm really sorry for not being sensitive enough.and im sure things will be better for you; god must have something esle in his mind.yet,im sorry for asking ou that question. =( really sorry
*there's no more baby la.the baby's heart stop beating at 7 weeks*
that leaves me stunned for a while.i felt like it was as if i was adding salt to her wound.panic attack me and i was frantically trying to construct my reply in my mind.
i apologise for not knowing it and even though she said she's ok,i still feel bad.feeling guilty for not knowing it earlier.feeling worse for bringing up the subject that would hurt her.and to end these awkwardness,i lie that i had to resume studying...perhaps,simply because i didn't know what to say...neither i know of the proper way to console her as i did not want to make things worse.
i know she wont get a chance to read this but i stil want to say:
jia,i'm really sorry for not being sensitive enough.and im sure things will be better for you; god must have something esle in his mind.yet,im sorry for asking ou that question. =( really sorry
Friday 5 November 2010
Thursday 4 November 2010
for a moment,i decided to just stop going forward and take a good look around my surrounding; the people,the environment and little little small things in life.
my university life,perhaps,meeting them was the best gift i received so far.meeting them,getting to know them and ended up being together with them,truth be told,i indeed feel really bless!
getting to know you guys,perhaps it's one of the best thing ever that happen in my life.
and i just want you guys to know how happy i am for knowing you guys.how glad i am to have you guys beside me and i cherish you guys from the bottom of my heart.=)
i love you girls!!♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
my university life,perhaps,meeting them was the best gift i received so far.meeting them,getting to know them and ended up being together with them,truth be told,i indeed feel really bless!
getting to know you guys,perhaps it's one of the best thing ever that happen in my life.
and i just want you guys to know how happy i am for knowing you guys.how glad i am to have you guys beside me and i cherish you guys from the bottom of my heart.=)
i love you girls!!♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Tuesday 2 November 2010
Work + Halloween = FUN!!
yeap, as the tittle goes, working on halloween day spells fun!!
been working as redbull ME girls on 30 and 31 oct at genting highland for the trialthon competition held there. practically, i think we work less than 5 hours (well,we do work smart and fast) and we get rm120 for that!awesome max!
had a tour around genting near one world at night as i was supposed to go in the casino!!(never been to one in my whole life and i just turn 21!) and yet, all those excitedness are killed off when 2 of my friends are being shoo out by the guard(not officially 21 yet) from not only 1 but 2 casinos!!OMG!seriously almost died from embarrassement. =.= no joke!
but anyhow, we do manage to get some nice pics and have our own fun, so i guess it's okay then.=) and here are some pics to do all the talking =)
had dinner at one of the vietnamese restaurant and the food there are awesome max!
the best brain food of the day!! =) and the price is reasonable as well.too bad i cant take beef.='(
with yi ling and ciara.=) love them both so much!
yea,i'm cam-whoring in the bathroom.>.< but i cant help myself.XD
with yi ling =)
with ciara ;P
standing next to me is the marketing supervisor and since it's halloween, she decided to pretend as a ghost and she do have a fun time going around scaring people off their head.
with ranny (the last on the left) love this pic soooo much!everyone look so pretty in it. XD
been working as redbull ME girls on 30 and 31 oct at genting highland for the trialthon competition held there. practically, i think we work less than 5 hours (well,we do work smart and fast) and we get rm120 for that!awesome max!
had a tour around genting near one world at night as i was supposed to go in the casino!!(never been to one in my whole life and i just turn 21!) and yet, all those excitedness are killed off when 2 of my friends are being shoo out by the guard(not officially 21 yet) from not only 1 but 2 casinos!!OMG!seriously almost died from embarrassement. =.= no joke!
but anyhow, we do manage to get some nice pics and have our own fun, so i guess it's okay then.=) and here are some pics to do all the talking =)
had dinner at one of the vietnamese restaurant and the food there are awesome max!
the best brain food of the day!! =) and the price is reasonable as well.too bad i cant take beef.='(
with yi ling and ciara.=) love them both so much!
yea,i'm cam-whoring in the bathroom.>.< but i cant help myself.XD
with yi ling =)
with ciara ;P
standing next to me is the marketing supervisor and since it's halloween, she decided to pretend as a ghost and she do have a fun time going around scaring people off their head.
with ranny (the last on the left) love this pic soooo much!everyone look so pretty in it. XD
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