just why is it so hard to get the heart and the mouth to speak the same language?

is it because i’m so used to keeping what i wanted to say all this while?

a surprise phone call

a conversation that lasted for almost an hour

a call with the longest silence that fill in the gap

a conversation that was filled with regrets and questions.

i would love to accept your confession. i would love to give you a nod. and i’m glad that there’s someone that actually love me this much.

but i’m sorry i can’t. this heart does not belong to you. neither yours ever belong to me. i wished i could tell you, you once almost captivated this heart, but you let it slipped away. not everything in life offer you a second chance, not everything had a turning point.

you said you can’t afford to lose me. you kept on asking yourself why you fall in love with me in the first place. you felt like a fool most of the time because according to you, i kept on running away from the attention you gave me. you felt so alone as you have no one to turn to and simply because you felt no one understand you. and above all, you just couldn’t accept the fact that i rejected you and you can’t bear with the thought of losing me.

how could you lose me, when you never got me in the first place? why you kept on asking me why you fall in love with me in the first place, when i myself have no idea why? why do you, till now, couldn’t understand that i push you away simply because, i was afraid of the attention you gave me as i know we are not getting anywhere? how could you not to be alone, when you confined yourself in your own world and refused to let people that care for you in your life? why you couldn’t accept the fact that i rejected you when you are the one that loses the patience and let opportunities slipped away over and over again? and why you thought you would lose me when i’m glad to be just your friends, but nothing more than that?

above all, you make me doubt. doubts about you being genuine, sincere,patience and the desperation of getting a girlfriend.

a phone call

of past regrets, doubts, hatred, and unanswered questions

in the middle of the night

filled with tears and awkwardness

ever feel that your heart was pounding so fast that you have no idea what’s going on? or trying to do something to catch attention or maybe for the sake of sparking a conversation? maybe always pretending to look around, but wishing hard deep down that one person will happened to look at you and smile? perhaps the urging to see that person more often and the smile that carved on your lips without you knowing it when the eyes meet that person?

and i wonder what is it, that overwhelmed me ever since i first saw him playing the violin?

the end of music camp spells the beginning of the semester. strange enough, as much as i dread the beginning of the semester for the past 2 years, this time round, i was looking forward for it. probably because of the 4 long months of holidays [though i stay home for a month plus for 2 different periods of time, i was rotting from boredom]

as if it was not strange enough, the recent music camp did a lot of wonders too. yea, i had bad and good times- there are times where i played well, other time where i screwed up for god sake. but life goes on; when a window close,another open. opportunities are there for me; i was given a solo for a song as well as to improvise on 2 songs. yea, it was indeed a coincidence but what is opportunities if it never comes and goes as it please?

while i was all so lonely for last year’s music camp, this time round, i get to be a lil bit closer with a few juniors. it was comfortable being around them; there were less drama, no backstabbing and no political issues. all we did was we crapped, laughed and do nonsense together. it was pleasant to be around them; unlike those of my batch, their drama,jealousy and fake self alone are more than enough to exhaust you both mentally and physically.

i asked a person a question, “are we still friends?” yea, i said i would ignore him, but for the past few years, i had lose enough friends.  some who forsake me for the sake of popularity, jealousy, pride and most of reasons that i’m not aware off. as much as i wanted to keep this friendship alive, i realised it was impossible. to keep a one way relation alive when it was supposed to be a two way, just how long can you hang on there?

first week of semester itself, i just couldn’t find any words to describe it. i can totally feel the upcoming crazy workload as well as sleepless nights to come. i can feel the struggle that i’ll have to face,like it or not. despite all that, for some reasons, i have a good feeling about it. perhaps, all this time, i’ve finally grow up and be matured for real.

it’s my final year and i had a long to do list before i call myself a graduate from this university. it might be a tough year but definitely, it’ll be decorated with many blissful wonderful memories.

everything right now, is just so good and i’m feeling blessed like a lil kid again

Send In The Clown…….For I Am The Clown

 

The version i like best among all

as one listen to this melody, some thought of it as a nostalgic love song. some said it was a song of happiness while other said it was just an ordinary sad song about love.

maybe it was the way it was played. but come to think of it, regardless of how it was played, if one listen to it attentively to all the elements, the song sounds as nostalgic and as sad as it can be. it was as if, you are overwhelmed with sadness and regret, a feeling you yourself have no idea where it come from, neither you know why you are feeling in such a way.

send in the clown.as simple as the title sounds, how many of us know that it’s actually referring to fool? even the composer himself said it meant ‘send in the fool’ in other word. in a way, it was ironic. ironic, in a sense that this song actually portray the foolishness that we bring upon ourselves most of the time.

this song sang about the foolish decisions made by two lovers. that was the actual interpretation. but,i do believe that it was not solely restricted to just lovers. it apply to a lot of thing; decisions we made every single day, people we encountered- be it strangers or people we knew, opportunities that slipped away or the true facets of humans, that’s it. the facets that each one of us strive so hard to either hide or shine.

or maybe, the heartache of knowing and realising the fact that people once close to you are drifting farther away from you without you realising it. the closeness that fades away with time and distances. the conversation that last no longer than 5 minutes. or maybe the loneliness despite being in the crowds of people.

oldies is always goodies. i once never understand what it meant. but now, i do. it was perhaps the darkness of this song, perhaps explain why i love it. for now,i just hope i’m still be able to play the solo part for this song, with flute that’s it.

the clowns had been sent in, the show is still going on, the thoughts of the ending is still lingering around,the audiences are laughing but the clowns are crying.