i choose to hang on there. i choose to scrap through everything. and i know how hard this journey would be.

what’s done been done. i can’t ease my longing to this place. so for now, i guess the only thing i can do was hang on there till i found the answers to all the questions i had in my mind.

in the midst of loneliness, i’m missing the people who were once close to me. a longing but not hoping. for these people are not worth fighting for.

but, i do find some bliss in this loneliness. it enable me to see a lot of things, clearly.

it’s only the first day. more days to come after that.

familiar surrounding,

the blue carpet,

musical instrument and stands,

the chilly air conditioning,

meeting familiar people,

i’m back to penang again, earlier, for the sake of the place that held so much memories. memories that makes me feel nostalgic and pondering. does respect and trust that was build was so fragile that it come crumbling down in spite seconds?

the perhaps good old memories that never dies. i dislike the people but i’m drawn to that place. i wondered why. as i long for those good old times, i’ve known well those will always remain as a longing. a dream that will never repeat again once awaken.

this would be my last year here. i wonder what it holds but despite what will happen, i’ll walk through it. i’ll scrap through it; with a smile, bravery, wisdom and of all, an open heart.

the wound is bleeding again. but that’s okay. because i’m now a better and braver person. :) for now, i just want to see everything with my eyes and feel it with my heart. nothing more and less. oh perhaps, with a smile.

the longing is still there. but for now, i’m walking down my own path again.

oh yes, a long hiatus. even though it’s holiday. holiday, that’s it.

i’m feeling much better right now. i’m feeling happy, relaxed and looking forward to my every-boring-day. and most of all, i’m feeling good about myself; i haven’t been having this kind of feeling for the longest time.

gone are the days where i lived my life consumed with guilt with regret. seriously, i have no slight idea what the hell ever happened to me. neither i have any clue of what may be the cause (okay, this is the lie. i do have an idea on what’s going on but for now, let me go into the state of denial about it shall we?)

anyhow, i’m feeling so so so good and so great! though i’m wasting my time doing crap everyday, i’m actually still living my life to the fullest. oh yea, great news? i learn how not to take things to seriously. for most of the things.

for now, everything is great. counting down for 3 more days before i gotta get my ass back to penang for the upcoming concert and convocation practises. yes, lotsa hell might me waiting for me there but i guess i’ll just do whatever i can to make sure i’m not drag into those shit.

life has never been this great. and writing has never been feeling this good – for the longest time!

oh yes, i’m happy and i can’t help but to repeating it over and over again. =D

 

Cheers for the chilly windy day!

i long for the genuine smile i once had

the smile that was of pure and sincere happiness

when it’s time to say eternal goodbye, i wonder how things would look like?

call me a craze, but i at times, i do fancy about my own funeral. the thoughts of how my funeral would look like linger in my mind at times. i would ponder;

who will turned up to bid the last farewell?

what would be their reaction?

will they shed tears?

will they miss me?

will i be remembered or disappeared without a trace in no time?

i know it sounds scary but i can’t help it.

i’m cool outside most of the time. but inside, i’m withering away.  the boundary of right and wrong is getting blurred. it’s even harder for me to reach out to people who are important to me. the feeling that we are being distant from each other kills me. the thought of undergoing what i went through five years ago is unbearable. i don’t even have the confident to say i would scrap through this again. not when there’s nothing surreal in my thoughts.

if i ever needed help, i wonder who would turn up?

if i ever hit the bottom hard from a 60 tall storey building, who will be there to catch me, watch over me and help me to stand up again?

if i ever bid the world a cruel farewell one day, will these people, ones that have place in my heart wish i could just stay with them, even for one more day?

“…..i kept my promise, don’t keep your distance.”

i wondered if you knew those short cold reply actually hurts? i pondered if you knew you are important to me? did you know that i’m dying inside,slowly but definitely? the feeling of loneliness,unwanted,despair,neglect,misfit had been engulfing me for years?

“…running around trying everything new. but nothing impress me at all,i never expected it to.”

 

i even think of what songs should be played during my funeral. not a complete song list though. but here’s the few;

I don’t want to miss a thing – Aerosmith, song bird- glee version and kenny g version , Landslide-dixie chicks, don’t cry for me argentina- evita, echoes of the rainbow and truth is like a lie-angela aki.

with some japanese,chinese and korean songs, that would complete the list. for now, evita’s don’t cry for me argentina would be the must have song.

 

accompany by the angel of death.

with beds of white,bloody red and mystic blue roses.

a perfect funeral.