i long for the genuine smile i once had

the smile that was of pure and sincere happiness

when it’s time to say eternal goodbye, i wonder how things would look like?

call me a craze, but i at times, i do fancy about my own funeral. the thoughts of how my funeral would look like linger in my mind at times. i would ponder;

who will turned up to bid the last farewell?

what would be their reaction?

will they shed tears?

will they miss me?

will i be remembered or disappeared without a trace in no time?

i know it sounds scary but i can’t help it.

i’m cool outside most of the time. but inside, i’m withering away.  the boundary of right and wrong is getting blurred. it’s even harder for me to reach out to people who are important to me. the feeling that we are being distant from each other kills me. the thought of undergoing what i went through five years ago is unbearable. i don’t even have the confident to say i would scrap through this again. not when there’s nothing surreal in my thoughts.

if i ever needed help, i wonder who would turn up?

if i ever hit the bottom hard from a 60 tall storey building, who will be there to catch me, watch over me and help me to stand up again?

if i ever bid the world a cruel farewell one day, will these people, ones that have place in my heart wish i could just stay with them, even for one more day?

“…..i kept my promise, don’t keep your distance.”

i wondered if you knew those short cold reply actually hurts? i pondered if you knew you are important to me? did you know that i’m dying inside,slowly but definitely? the feeling of loneliness,unwanted,despair,neglect,misfit had been engulfing me for years?

“…running around trying everything new. but nothing impress me at all,i never expected it to.”

 

i even think of what songs should be played during my funeral. not a complete song list though. but here’s the few;

I don’t want to miss a thing – Aerosmith, song bird- glee version and kenny g version , Landslide-dixie chicks, don’t cry for me argentina- evita, echoes of the rainbow and truth is like a lie-angela aki.

with some japanese,chinese and korean songs, that would complete the list. for now, evita’s don’t cry for me argentina would be the must have song.

 

accompany by the angel of death.

with beds of white,bloody red and mystic blue roses.

a perfect funeral.

i found my way back here after a long hiatus. =)

in a blink of eyes, it’s been one month since i first started my internship. i remembered writing down how depressed i felt during the first week of internship. it sure took me a while but now that i look back at those time, i’m glad i manage to scrap those day through. it was never easy but at least, it’s worthwhile.

turns out all those people are not as bad as they seemed. perhaps it was the way of communication that was so differ from what i used to. colleagues are willing to teach you things when you asked. sometimes, they were willing to gave you opportunities to trained and proved yourself.

however, that doesn’t meant one can take it for granted. for opportunities come and slip away just like that. it’s either you put in a lot of effort and make sure it work out, or you just screw it out. 

colleagues, as much as they smiled and laughed out loud, at times, it seemed like there’s something else lies within the happiness. for each of them were, or maybe still are haunted by the ghost of past. desperation, emotion, un-satisfaction, injustice, doubts, those negative waves once washed away their youth for a few years; they were almost drown in it.

life, never promised a smooth sailing trip to begin with. when things goes the way you want, life seemed like a fairy tale. a tale that was too good to be true at times. however, when you were slapped hard with reality, it feels like you were hit at the rock bottom. Hard and rough, with no where to escape now here to run.

i screwed up once and almost drown myself in the sea of desperation. it was hard to build back the confidence that was smashed to pieces. but i guess, for now, i shall just hang on there.

i’ll hang on and scrap through this no matter how hard is it, till i welcome the 4th friday.

My Experience with SONY Cyber Shot

 

if feels like yesterday when i enrolled as a freshie.

we were freshie!!! =D looked so young and kiddy back then.

i’m not that old mind you. but, for some reasons, i never cease to amaze on how time could just pass and flies without waiting for anyone. there were times when i wished the clock would just stop ticking for the would to come to a standstill. for i would want happy moments to remain there forever, for me to be gay and keep on laughing out loud.

 

from freshie to senior, from girl to fine young lady

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i don’t have to do any talking with words. all the pictures above are far more already a good story teller themselves. =) all those photos were took using sony cyber shot anyway. sony cyber shot that takes shots of my journey in life, from a little girl to a fine young lady.

my experience with sony cyber shot? it would be

SONY AND ME IN SONY CYBER SHOT

funny how i’m actually doubting myself right now.

did i choose the right place to do internship?will i be able to perform well?will i be able to learn new things and sharpen my skills? or will i be doing all these trivial jobs for the remaining 2 months?

for the last doubt,heck no! the me right now,i was afraid, nervous and anxious. perhaps hearing my other coursemates saying they are given a lot of real hand experience related task, it somehow increase my jealousness. i was in a total mess and haywire right now. i just couldn’t calm myself.

perhaps, just for tonight, i shall let all my thoughts go haywire. i need a talk with myself. it’s only the beginning……only the second day. perhaps, with more effort and hard work, things will get better. yes it will. i just have to put in more effort and i can scrap through this.

maybe for once,i should stop thinking about expectation. just for this one, perhaps i ought to take a step at a time and see what this company holds for me.

the sun set and rise. tomorrow onwards, it definitely gonna be a better day.