at least,now i know i can stop trying.

i would be lying if i said it doesn't at all,matter much to me.but there are things that you just can't force your way through.....friendship for example.but at least,i knew,i didn't make this decision without even trying; i tried not once not twice.

if i could convey my feeling to them,i would love to have my feelings being heard rather than having to swallow it up on my own.but,no point in doing it if it'll only cause more troubles (i've been with and working with them for some time so,i knew how things work between them.)

perhaps,i was tired of trying so hard and take it seriously.it do me more harm than good and it wouldn't be so selfish of me have make this kind of decision right?i just wanted to protect myself; unlike her,i have no one to count to in times of needs and happiness and certainly,no one there to make sure i stood up again when i fall.

pictures taken from the outing just now that make me realise my thoughts and decisions.=)



Substituting the snooker stick with a flute.=)



if you look hard enough,you'll see not only the moon but a bright star as well.

i wanted to be people who are able to bestow the same humiliation,despair and betrayal to people that done that to me.but at the end of the day,i realise i can't bring myself to hurt people since i understand the pain too well.guess will let despair dealt with conceited.i'll never forget the feeling of standing alone in a corner,watching them group together,only to realise i was the forgotten one. for that,i'll never take their hand again.

waking up in the morning (afternoon perhaps?) and it seems like my mind is a bit clearer now.

the wounds from yesterday haven't heal; and i wonder how long it'll take to have it closed up - days?months?years? or perhaps,never?

it ache so much,it wreck my heart.but somehow,i manage to figure out what to do.i no longer believe to the concept of 'we're one big family', because,family never leave each other behind,have someone being the forgotten one and abondan them in times of need.

still,i wonder what i'm gona do from now on.going back to a place that leave my heart feeling so empty,it require me a lot of courage and cost a great toll on me.and i found myself still longing to go back to the place; perhaps,i love making music and making music will the only things in my mind now.trust no longer exist between people anymore.

not gona tell anyone this though.being there,struggling so hard for 1 year,i understand how things work there.=) and the best solution to all this problem is silence and smile.

slowly,i'm moving on again with a broken heart.

i'm crying like a child longing for her parents right now.

i thought i'm okay with it,but the true is i'm not.

i thought i could get over it but,i lied to myself.


i thought we're in a team.you told me that.so,why you push me aside?am i meant to be abandoned?

i can't stop the teardrops,all i want right now is someone to be by my side but i'm crying alone now.='(

the things that i struggle so hard to build it,trust it and have faith in it came crumbling down in a meeting that last no longer than 2 hours

i'm weeping like a child except that i can't shed any tears.

things that i wanted look so near and yet,it was actually far.

and i envy those characters in anime,drama and movie where they found their soulmates and true friends because they found the thing's that i had spend my whole life looking for.

she gave me hope,telling me that 'i'm together with you' only to abandon me at times i really need her support.

they tell me that 'let's build a strong bond together to make this project a success', only to cast me aside; standing alone in a corner looking at them consoling each other only to realise that i was forgotten.

no matter how hard i tried,i'll never be able to do things right in their eyes.

and i'm sick of trying so hard,sick of being leave aside like a trash.

and i despise myself the most because,why is it that i can't even cried for myself??